Behold the Power of Chin Stubble

As some may have noticed, the Twins are playing good baseball as of late. Good enough baseball in fact to surpass the White Sox for the wild card, and sneak within four games of the division leading Tigers. Good enough baseball to recover from the loss of rookie hurler and leader of men Francisco Liriano. Good enough baseball to make Carlos Silva seem like an OK pitcher...

"But Baggie, why this reversal of fortune after a terrible start" you may ask? Well, some may attribue it to the solid pitching of Johan Santana and the unbelievable guts of Brad Radke, others the emergence of Tyner, Bartlett and Punto, and others still, to a bullpen with a freakishly low ERA. But we here have never been a group of people (I say that like there's more than just me...) to believe "statistics" or so called "experts". No my dear friends, we instead prefer to form our opinion, forge our own path, and set the standard for generations to come.

So what, exactly, do we think is causing the Twins to play so well?...

Simply put, amazing facial hair...

Boof Bonser: In utilizing a standard run of the mill goatee configuration, Boof secures his status as a run of the mill pitcher. While Boofs largest contribution to the team seems to be that he was the third player in the Liriano/Nathan for Pierzynsky trade, at some point he will come into his own facial hair wise, and immediately put up Cy Young-like numbers. Look for possible chinstrap or soul patch configurations next season



Joe Nathan: Nathan digs deep in the bag of tricks and pulls out the "point of the chin only" goatee. This may be to thank for his 27/29 saves this year, as opposing batters must stifle a laugh prior to swinging. So stylish is Joe that he was once gelling the chin hair, only to be told by MLB that Vitalis is considered an illegal substance.




Brad Radke: Much like his demeanor, this chin only goatee is straight to the point. It also provides valuable chin warmth during those cold winter nights in the Twin Cities. Unfortunately due to its rugged thickness, unpires have taken to inspecting it for foriegn objects prior to each start Radke makes.





Jason Kubel: Hailing from the baseball hotbed of Belle Fourche South Dakota, Jason utilizes the always underappreciated "hungover vagrant" variation on his facial hair. Although members of the team have regularly tried to slip tips for shaving ettiquette into casual conversation, up to this point Kubel has not taken the bait. Due to the beards thunderous power, rumors continue to circulate in the clubhouse about it being named in the BALCO grand jury indictment.



Luis Castillo: Possessing unbelievable speed, Castillo must grow some form of chin stubble to increase his drag coefficient, lest he burn up rounding third. During his 35 game hit streak with the Marlins, Luis often switched hands while shaving, thus proving himself the ultimate switch-hitter.





Francisco Liriano: Liriano has been forced to grow stubble only on the bottom half of his jaw to protect it from frostbite, an unfortunate byproduct of an arm speed so fast it produces wind chills comparable to those at Lambeau Field. Rumors swirl that the difficulty in shaving such a pattern may have had some hand in Francisco's elbow soreness that has sidelined him as of late.




Joe Mauer: Wishing to not sully his cherubic face, Joe prefers to break out the sideburns as his weapon of choice. We'll let Hugh Gallagher describe Joe's chops:

"Joe Mauers sideburns woo women with their sensuous and godlike trombone playing, can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. They are experts in stucco, veterans in love, and outlaws in Peru."


Johan Santana: This is the goatee that all other goatee's wish they could be. Much like Sampson and his hair, this chin stubble possesses secret powers. It is widely belived to have undisputable proof of Bigfoot's existence, and is thought to have personal converstions with the Chupacabra. It is so powerful that it has hired Scott Boras as its agent.




Jason Barlett: Although missing from his official team photo, Jason is the epitome of a multi-tool player, rocking both the chin beard and the sideburns as of late. In this day and age of the designated hitter and pitch counts it's a breath of fresh air to see someone who can do it all in the facial hair arena.





Rod Gardenhire: As the Twins fearless leader, Gardy sets the bar unequivocally high with his "so blond you can barely see it" look. During a game in May, after Gardenhire was ejected, his goatee returned the dugout donning glasses and it's own fake goatee, only to recognized and fined by MLB. To this point it remains the only fine ever levied against someones facial hair.

Why I Think Phil Mickelson is a Fat Douche

So apparently some people took offense to my comparing Phil Mickleson to child molestors and former Nazis. Maybe I took it a little far, but what can I say, I hate the man. When he's playing on TV I loathe him. I cheer when he hits it into the bunkers, laugh when he sprays tee shots, and yell NOONAN!! when he's putting. Can I explain this behavior? In now way whatsoever. Does this pent up hatred sometimes manifest itself while I'm playing Tiger Woods '06, causing me to yell "Shake your man boobies now FIGJAM!!" after I devestate the field by shooting 88 under par at the British Open? Absolutely.

But I digress...

Anyway, I hate the man. And while they may be childish and immature, these are some of the reasons, because, well, I'm a childish and immature person.

10- Being Dumb Enough to Antagonize Tiger Woods: First he said "He's upset that I can blow it past him now" while Tiger is in the middle of rebuilding his swing, and then Dave Pelz, his short game coach, comes out and says "when he's playing well, Phil's the best there is". Look, I don't like Tiger, so stop giving him a reason to whip everyones ass. Just shut up and play.

9- Inability to Grasp the Truth: Phil turned pro in 1992, Tiger in 1996. In that time, Tiger has won 12 Majors, while Phil has 3. Yet, he still considers himself "the best in the world when I'm on". Keep rocking that gonga Phil, cuz you gotta be high to think that.

8- Jiggly Man Breasts: I'm not saying that you have to be a chiseled athlete to play this game, but at least stop wearing shirts that highlight your goodies. Buy yourself a "Manzier" or something dude.

7- That Shitty Grin: Do I really need to write anything for this one?

6- Wearing a Hat from a Company No One has Heard Of: What the hell is Bearing Point? Do they make bearings? Compasses? Manziers? Oh, wait, they're a consulting firm. That has about as much to do with golf as a company that makes bearings.

5- Wearing a Beeper at the '99 US Open: Normally I would consider this benevolent since his wife was about to go into labor, but a lot of players seemed to think it was a publicity stunt that would rival "New Coke". In fact, most players secretly hoped it would go off, or so they said. It would have been cool if it'd beeped during his opponents putt, and it got him flogged with a pitching wedge.

4- His Wife is Far Too Hot: You know how when you wander around the mall, and you see that smokin hot chick holding hands with some guy that she shouldn't be holding hands with? You know the guy. He's wearing pleated pants, eating a Cinnabon, and talking into one of those stupid hands free ear peices, all the while acting like he deserves the hottie....

Tell me you didn't just picture Phil doing that as you read it.

3- Pre-packaged Children: Where the hell is the photo op when you lose Phil? Do you keep them off to the side after a loss and when they run at you you scream "Not now!!! There's no cameras!!!". I get the feeling you'd let the ESPN crew in each year for the Christmas present unwrapping if you could. Imagine the fake smile you could use when some gave you "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2006".

2- FIGJAM: When the people you play with give you a nickname like that, I think we can go out on a limb and assume that they think you're an arrogant dick. I wonder if when other golfers go out together and he asks to come, they tell him the wrong resturaunt just to get away from him?

1- Fucking Up the 2004 Ryder Cup: Granted, if some offered me $7 Million to play with a different set of clubs, I'd do it, even if part of the deal was to kick a puppy (kidding). But, I'm a worthless 14 handicap that will never see a Ryder Cup match, much less play in one. And likewise, I will never be representing America in an international golf competition, unless said competition takes place soon after a nuclear war, and the other 12 men left on earth have no arms. My point in this whole diatribe? Don't suddenly switch equipment when 11 other guys are relying on you to play well in a competition for national pride.

Phil Mickelson is Still an Ass

While we know that the title has absolutely nothing to do with this blog, we live for a chance to bad mouth that fatso...

Anyway, in light of Tiger bringing out the beatin' stick on the rest of the field at Medinah today, we thought we would take the opportunity to compile a list of some of the worst days ever in professional golf.

Scott Hoch, 1989 Masters- Staring down a 2 footer to win the tournament over Nick Faldo on the first playoff hole, Hoch had one of those mental lapses we've all had on the course and missed it. Only, as we previously mentioned, he was putting to win the Masters, whereas we're normally putting to stay below an even 100. And even more unfortunate for Scott, his last name rhymes with "Choke".

Greg Owen, 2006 Bay Hill Invitational- Going into 17, he had a one stroke lead. After Rod Pampling bogeyed the hole, all he had to do was make his 3 footer for par to take a 2 stroke lead. But he missed it... And promptly missed the next one as well. Just like that, he's tied, and loses on the next hole.

Retief Goosen, 2005 US Open- Entering the final round with a 3 stroke lead over Jason Gore, Retief went all drunk-duffer and proceeded to shoot an 11 over 81. Goosen responded by saying "This is nothing serious, nobody has died or anything". While he admire his ability to put things in perpective, we're pretty sure his pride took a few rounds to the skull that day

Phil Mickelson, 2006 US Open- All he needed to do was make a par to win his third straight major. So he proceeded to use the often ignored trash can to tree to bunker to rough route, which, as you can guess, is often ignored for a reason. After a crowd pleasing 6 for Phil, Geoff Olgivy walked away the winner.

On a side note, watching Phil lose it may be the happiest moment of our golf lives. It's not that we dislike FIGJAM, it's that we despise him with an intensity normally reserved for child molestors and former Nazis.

Jean Van De Velde, 1999 British Open- Van De Velde had 2 chances to punch his ball back into the fairway on the 18th hole at Carnoustie in 1999. He tried for the green instead both times and ended up knee deep in the creek before it was all said and done. After limping to a triple bogey, he promptly lost on the first playoff hole, thereby halting the bleeding. We would call it the worst performance ever, were it not for this next one...

Greg Norman, 1996 Masters- Norman had arguably the worst luck of anyone ever in majors. In the '86 Masters Nicklaus tore through the back nine to beat him, then at the US Open that year, Bob Tway holed out a bunker shot to beat him. After all that, Larry Mize chipped in to beat him in a playoff at the Masters the very next year. That being said, his meltdown in the final round of the 1996 Masters is the stuff of legend. This wasn't one of those "oops, I puked on myself on the final hole" kind of things. He spent all day hitting shots into places golf shots shouldn't go. While some may say the Van De Velde choke was worse, we honor Norman becuase he elevated his suckiness for an entire 18 holes, not just one.

Update: I totally botched the Tway reference on this one. It was the PGA, not the Open. I'm not sure why I typed that... I'm not smart... And likewise, I'm not sure why I worte bogey about Mickelson... Once again, I'm not smart....

We MUST Make This Happen

In case you missed it, the weekend editor over at Deadspin, The Mighty MJD, put up a thread about this today, and I must agree, we need televised Wiffle Ball...

Stop chortling and think about it. Imagine a televised sport that you can say "I can do that", and it's actually true. Well, I mean other than the WNBA...

Better yet, lets replace those stupid Cactus League games in the spring with 7 inning Wiffle Ball games. Imagine how Big Papi would scream at Manny for dropping a routine pop up when the ball takes like 8 minutes to even come down. Or seeing Jim Thome swing at a curve ball that breaks at an acute angle and fall flat on his ass...

I mean come on, ESPN already has ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNews, ESPN Classic, ESPNU and ESPN Deportes, so just create another channel, slap on an ESPN8 The Ocho banner, and give us our damn Wiffle Ball. We're Americans, we pay taxes, and we want our damn obscure sports...

We need to unite on this. I wish I could write some "Win one for the Gipper" halftime speech that would rally all 4 of my readers, but alas, I'm lacking in the motivational speaking department...

I'd imagine Will From Deadspin would put it something like this:

"But you can't hold a whole blog responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole sports blogging system? And if the whole blogging system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our sports institutions in general? I put it to you, Leather - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!" [Leads the bloggers out of ESPN headquarters, all humming the Star-Spangled Banner]

Update: Because I love a good tirade, I kept goin on this, and found these guys. Major League Wiffle Ball.

The Week in Baggieville

Seeing as how interperetive dance doesn't really work over a blog, and seeing as how the creative process here at Casa-de-Baggie has running a little low this last week (we got a puppy), and seeing as how sleep has been lacking over said week (anyone want a puppy?), we're going to do something that normally we hate... A week in review sorta thingy.

So, allow us to provide you with recap... (We still prefer interperetive dance...)

We Got Some Serious Deadspin Love for a blog about tasers...

... and Maurice Clarett enjoyed it so much, he went out and got tased...

The Twins resurgence continues... Yay!!!...

...and then Francisco Liriano went all Kerry Wood on us... Boo!!!...

...and then Justin Morneau made us all feel better... Yay!!!...

Miguel Tejada flipped Toronto the bird...

The Yankees and White Sox got rained out...

...and ESPN showed us the first inning of the Twins/Jays...

...and promptly switched to the Red Sox/Royals... Burn in Hell Bristol!!!

Awful Announcing skewered Bill Simmons mercilessly...

...and Billy promptly produced his best column in 2 years...

Kissing Suzy Kolber gave us hope for getting into the Pro Football Hall of Fame...

...and we've never really played organized football...

...besides Tecmo Bowl...

Our sitemeter showed us that people got to our blog using the following search strings: "Michelle Wie Thong", "form of report card Juior high school ", "Joe Mauer Gay", "Married Baggie", and our personal favorite "Jodie Sweetin Porn"...

...and somebody actually did a search for "Off the Baggie"... Twice... Our mom must be proud...

This is the greatest Scoop Jackson blog of all time...

...and this may make you laugh so hard that you actually pee yourself...

Athletes and Tasers: Fun for the Whole Family

When not enamored with this blog, sports, music, or downloading copious amounts of adult material, we are what some in this world would call "employed". It's an interesting idea really. We exchange 8 hours of our life every day for monetary compensation which can later be exchanged for goods and services, or massages with happy endings, but that's another blog unto itself.

While spending today attempting to avoid actually working while collecting said money, we uncovered a most humorous of coincidences. A lot of athletes seem to be involved with tasers lately, and not just professional ones. Here is a list that we've managed to compile

Dale Davis- After refusing to leave a hotel, Dale decided it would be a wise idea to shout profanity at the officers that showed up to escort him out. It was that intelligent thought process that helped Davis become well acquainted with the business end of a Miami-Dade issued police Taser last week...

Matthias Askew- Starting out with a parking violation and ending up with the taser is like leaving home for your Great-Grandmothers 100th birthday party at the church and winding up at the S&M convention down at the Holiday Inn instead. Apparently the Bengals know not of this parking meter you speak of...

Ellis T. Jones III- You would assume that someone with roman numerals at the end of his name would posess some sort of morale fiber, but apparently not. He may be the only guy on this list that was operating the taser, but in this San Jose State football player's defense, the skyrocketing costs of admission may have forced him to... Oh, wait... He was on a full ride? Dumbass...

DeMyron Martin- This SMU running back claims he's innocent, but the police say he was "excessively resisting arrest". As opposed to minimally resisting arrest??

A.J. Nicholson- This one is admittedly a little old, but there's nothing old about a Florida State player catching some electricity for hiding from the police in some bushes and not doing what they said. Our guess is that Bobby Bowden made him a starter soon after he posted bail...

Unnamed 14 Year Old In Oklahoma- Supposedly this kid ran into the taser when the cop was doing something called a "spark test", but that sounds eerily similar to the old "I was cleaning it and it just went off" defense. Our guess is the guy had a nasty gambling habit and lost a C-note because the kid was autistic and made like 4 three pointers in the last 5 minutes, thereby assuring that the spread wouldn't be covered. But how to get even? Boom!! Taser. But that's just our guess...


Update: This article from CBS Sportsline may be one of the best things you'll ever read on this subject. Thanks to Deadspin Comment Shrubber for the link.