Thursday, August 24, 2006

Why I Think Phil Mickelson is a Fat Douche

So apparently some people took offense to my comparing Phil Mickleson to child molestors and former Nazis. Maybe I took it a little far, but what can I say, I hate the man. When he's playing on TV I loathe him. I cheer when he hits it into the bunkers, laugh when he sprays tee shots, and yell NOONAN!! when he's putting. Can I explain this behavior? In now way whatsoever. Does this pent up hatred sometimes manifest itself while I'm playing Tiger Woods '06, causing me to yell "Shake your man boobies now FIGJAM!!" after I devestate the field by shooting 88 under par at the British Open? Absolutely.

But I digress...

Anyway, I hate the man. And while they may be childish and immature, these are some of the reasons, because, well, I'm a childish and immature person.

10- Being Dumb Enough to Antagonize Tiger Woods: First he said "He's upset that I can blow it past him now" while Tiger is in the middle of rebuilding his swing, and then Dave Pelz, his short game coach, comes out and says "when he's playing well, Phil's the best there is". Look, I don't like Tiger, so stop giving him a reason to whip everyones ass. Just shut up and play.

9- Inability to Grasp the Truth: Phil turned pro in 1992, Tiger in 1996. In that time, Tiger has won 12 Majors, while Phil has 3. Yet, he still considers himself "the best in the world when I'm on". Keep rocking that gonga Phil, cuz you gotta be high to think that.

8- Jiggly Man Breasts: I'm not saying that you have to be a chiseled athlete to play this game, but at least stop wearing shirts that highlight your goodies. Buy yourself a "Manzier" or something dude.

7- That Shitty Grin: Do I really need to write anything for this one?

6- Wearing a Hat from a Company No One has Heard Of: What the hell is Bearing Point? Do they make bearings? Compasses? Manziers? Oh, wait, they're a consulting firm. That has about as much to do with golf as a company that makes bearings.

5- Wearing a Beeper at the '99 US Open: Normally I would consider this benevolent since his wife was about to go into labor, but a lot of players seemed to think it was a publicity stunt that would rival "New Coke". In fact, most players secretly hoped it would go off, or so they said. It would have been cool if it'd beeped during his opponents putt, and it got him flogged with a pitching wedge.

4- His Wife is Far Too Hot: You know how when you wander around the mall, and you see that smokin hot chick holding hands with some guy that she shouldn't be holding hands with? You know the guy. He's wearing pleated pants, eating a Cinnabon, and talking into one of those stupid hands free ear peices, all the while acting like he deserves the hottie....

Tell me you didn't just picture Phil doing that as you read it.

3- Pre-packaged Children: Where the hell is the photo op when you lose Phil? Do you keep them off to the side after a loss and when they run at you you scream "Not now!!! There's no cameras!!!". I get the feeling you'd let the ESPN crew in each year for the Christmas present unwrapping if you could. Imagine the fake smile you could use when some gave you "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2006".

2- FIGJAM: When the people you play with give you a nickname like that, I think we can go out on a limb and assume that they think you're an arrogant dick. I wonder if when other golfers go out together and he asks to come, they tell him the wrong resturaunt just to get away from him?

1- Fucking Up the 2004 Ryder Cup: Granted, if some offered me $7 Million to play with a different set of clubs, I'd do it, even if part of the deal was to kick a puppy (kidding). But, I'm a worthless 14 handicap that will never see a Ryder Cup match, much less play in one. And likewise, I will never be representing America in an international golf competition, unless said competition takes place soon after a nuclear war, and the other 12 men left on earth have no arms. My point in this whole diatribe? Don't suddenly switch equipment when 11 other guys are relying on you to play well in a competition for national pride.


At 11:57 AM, Blogger Mini Me said...

Those are all legit reasons but the fat douche has a hot wife.

At 12:48 PM, Anonymous Knots said...

Couldn't agree more. I often wonder if his "fans" like him because he's all goofy and grins on the course. If they met him off it, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't. There are very few guys who are universally DIS liked by other players and FIGJAM is one of them. That should tell us something.

At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tiger Woods is sponsored by Accenture, another consulting firm. Jack Ass.

At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As you admit, you are a very childish and immature person.

At 4:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree more. I hate that fake-ass smile and the "give the little girl a golf ball in front of the camera" stunt to make him look like he gives a shit. Also, what kind of an idiot takes his driver out of the bag for the U.S. Open. Fat douche indeed!!! He deserved to make the 10 most hated athletes list in GQ

At 11:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And they say women are catty........ what poor little excuses for men you are. Your jealousy is showing.

At 2:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some of you have trashed this blog, if you disagree why would you even consider reading a blog titled "why I think Phil Mickelson is a Fat Douche". Hats off to the author, I got a good laugh. I cannot stand Figjam. Love the reply "As you admit, you are a very childish and immature person." ha ha ha, lighten up its a blog for a joke. Have a laugh in life dude, wow.

At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes Phil is better then you and when you come to grips with that maybe you'll shoot yourself.

At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Phil is such jackass, if he's so good how come it took him over 10 years to finally win a major? He's the a-rod of golf, trying to best and getting all caught up with the pressure and trying to be the best person. Just like a-rod people will finally see what kind of person Phil really is, A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG OF A MOTHER FUCKER!

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