Why I Think Phil Mickelson is a Fat Douche

So apparently some people took offense to my comparing Phil Mickleson to child molestors and former Nazis. Maybe I took it a little far, but what can I say, I hate the man. When he's playing on TV I loathe him. I cheer when he hits it into the bunkers, laugh when he sprays tee shots, and yell NOONAN!! when he's putting. Can I explain this behavior? In now way whatsoever. Does this pent up hatred sometimes manifest itself while I'm playing Tiger Woods '06, causing me to yell "Shake your man boobies now FIGJAM!!" after I devestate the field by shooting 88 under par at the British Open? Absolutely.

But I digress...

Anyway, I hate the man. And while they may be childish and immature, these are some of the reasons, because, well, I'm a childish and immature person.

10- Being Dumb Enough to Antagonize Tiger Woods: First he said "He's upset that I can blow it past him now" while Tiger is in the middle of rebuilding his swing, and then Dave Pelz, his short game coach, comes out and says "when he's playing well, Phil's the best there is". Look, I don't like Tiger, so stop giving him a reason to whip everyones ass. Just shut up and play.

9- Inability to Grasp the Truth: Phil turned pro in 1992, Tiger in 1996. In that time, Tiger has won 12 Majors, while Phil has 3. Yet, he still considers himself "the best in the world when I'm on". Keep rocking that gonga Phil, cuz you gotta be high to think that.

8- Jiggly Man Breasts: I'm not saying that you have to be a chiseled athlete to play this game, but at least stop wearing shirts that highlight your goodies. Buy yourself a "Manzier" or something dude.

7- That Shitty Grin: Do I really need to write anything for this one?

6- Wearing a Hat from a Company No One has Heard Of: What the hell is Bearing Point? Do they make bearings? Compasses? Manziers? Oh, wait, they're a consulting firm. That has about as much to do with golf as a company that makes bearings.

5- Wearing a Beeper at the '99 US Open: Normally I would consider this benevolent since his wife was about to go into labor, but a lot of players seemed to think it was a publicity stunt that would rival "New Coke". In fact, most players secretly hoped it would go off, or so they said. It would have been cool if it'd beeped during his opponents putt, and it got him flogged with a pitching wedge.

4- His Wife is Far Too Hot: You know how when you wander around the mall, and you see that smokin hot chick holding hands with some guy that she shouldn't be holding hands with? You know the guy. He's wearing pleated pants, eating a Cinnabon, and talking into one of those stupid hands free ear peices, all the while acting like he deserves the hottie....

Tell me you didn't just picture Phil doing that as you read it.

3- Pre-packaged Children: Where the hell is the photo op when you lose Phil? Do you keep them off to the side after a loss and when they run at you you scream "Not now!!! There's no cameras!!!". I get the feeling you'd let the ESPN crew in each year for the Christmas present unwrapping if you could. Imagine the fake smile you could use when some gave you "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2006".

2- FIGJAM: When the people you play with give you a nickname like that, I think we can go out on a limb and assume that they think you're an arrogant dick. I wonder if when other golfers go out together and he asks to come, they tell him the wrong resturaunt just to get away from him?

1- Fucking Up the 2004 Ryder Cup: Granted, if some offered me $7 Million to play with a different set of clubs, I'd do it, even if part of the deal was to kick a puppy (kidding). But, I'm a worthless 14 handicap that will never see a Ryder Cup match, much less play in one. And likewise, I will never be representing America in an international golf competition, unless said competition takes place soon after a nuclear war, and the other 12 men left on earth have no arms. My point in this whole diatribe? Don't suddenly switch equipment when 11 other guys are relying on you to play well in a competition for national pride.