Behold the Power of Chin Stubble
As some may have noticed, the Twins are playing good baseball as of late. Good enough baseball in fact to surpass the White Sox for the wild card, and sneak within four games of the division leading Tigers. Good enough baseball to recover from the loss of rookie hurler and leader of men Francisco Liriano. Good enough baseball to make Carlos Silva seem like an OK pitcher...
"But Baggie, why this reversal of fortune after a terrible start" you may ask? Well, some may attribue it to the solid pitching of Johan Santana and the unbelievable guts of Brad Radke, others the emergence of Tyner, Bartlett and Punto, and others still, to a bullpen with a freakishly low ERA. But we here have never been a group of people (I say that like there's more than just me...) to believe "statistics" or so called "experts". No my dear friends, we instead prefer to form our opinion, forge our own path, and set the standard for generations to come.
So what, exactly, do we think is causing the Twins to play so well?...
Simply put, amazing facial hair...
Boof Bonser: In utilizing a standard run of the mill goatee configuration, Boof secures his status as a run of the mill pitcher. While Boofs largest contribution to the team seems to be that he was the third player in the Liriano/Nathan for Pierzynsky trade, at some point he will come into his own facial hair wise, and immediately put up Cy Young-like numbers. Look for possible chinstrap or soul patch configurations next season
Joe Nathan: Nathan digs deep in the bag of tricks and pulls out the "point of the chin only" goatee. This may be to thank for his 27/29 saves this year, as opposing batters must stifle a laugh prior to swinging. So stylish is Joe that he was once gelling the chin hair, only to be told by MLB that Vitalis is considered an illegal substance.
Brad Radke: Much like his demeanor, this chin only goatee is straight to the point. It also provides valuable chin warmth during those cold winter nights in the Twin Cities. Unfortunately due to its rugged thickness, unpires have taken to inspecting it for foriegn objects prior to each start Radke makes.
Jason Kubel: Hailing from the baseball hotbed of Belle Fourche South Dakota, Jason utilizes the always underappreciated "hungover vagrant" variation on his facial hair. Although members of the team have regularly tried to slip tips for shaving ettiquette into casual conversation, up to this point Kubel has not taken the bait. Due to the beards thunderous power, rumors continue to circulate in the clubhouse about it being named in the BALCO grand jury indictment.
Luis Castillo: Possessing unbelievable speed, Castillo must grow some form of chin stubble to increase his drag coefficient, lest he burn up rounding third. During his 35 game hit streak with the Marlins, Luis often switched hands while shaving, thus proving himself the ultimate switch-hitter.
Francisco Liriano: Liriano has been forced to grow stubble only on the bottom half of his jaw to protect it from frostbite, an unfortunate byproduct of an arm speed so fast it produces wind chills comparable to those at Lambeau Field. Rumors swirl that the difficulty in shaving such a pattern may have had some hand in Francisco's elbow soreness that has sidelined him as of late.
Joe Mauer: Wishing to not sully his cherubic face, Joe prefers to break out the sideburns as his weapon of choice. We'll let Hugh Gallagher describe Joe's chops:
"Joe Mauers sideburns woo women with their sensuous and godlike trombone playing, can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. They are experts in stucco, veterans in love, and outlaws in Peru."
Johan Santana: This is the goatee that all other goatee's wish they could be. Much like Sampson and his hair, this chin stubble possesses secret powers. It is widely belived to have undisputable proof of Bigfoot's existence, and is thought to have personal converstions with the Chupacabra. It is so powerful that it has hired Scott Boras as its agent.
Jason Barlett: Although missing from his official team photo, Jason is the epitome of a multi-tool player, rocking both the chin beard and the sideburns as of late. In this day and age of the designated hitter and pitch counts it's a breath of fresh air to see someone who can do it all in the facial hair arena.
Rod Gardenhire: As the Twins fearless leader, Gardy sets the bar unequivocally high with his "so blond you can barely see it" look. During a game in May, after Gardenhire was ejected, his goatee returned the dugout donning glasses and it's own fake goatee, only to recognized and fined by MLB. To this point it remains the only fine ever levied against someones facial hair.