Friday, October 06, 2006

Other Childrens Books by Athletes

If you haven't seen/heard about it by now, we have to ask which rock you've been under. T.O. is apparently writing a childrens book. While we admire the effort to steer the always impressionable youth of America in the right direction (Read: They offered him a lot of money), we have to wonder if Mr. Owens is the best person to write such a book. We can only guess that this book will include no references to teamwork, sharing, or putting others above one's self.

However, it appears as though a few other athletes have begun writing books as well, and we have a sneak peak for you.

"Living With Your Own Errors" by Alex Rodriguez- A-Rod takes the children through several scenarios involving how to deal with mistakes that you may make, even if you're in unfamiliar territory. Read along as Little Alex battles his archnemesis D-Rek Jester for the affections of the fans of the Whinerville Nine.

"Electricity and You: That's No Fun" by Mathias Askew- Mathis preaches the dangers of electricity to the kids, reminding them to stay away from exposed wires, downed power lines, and police tasers.

"Always Take Your Vitamins" by Barry Bonds- Little Barry and his sidekick Schmalco help the kids to best decide which vitamins are best for them.

"Potty Training is Fun" by Najeh Davenport- A "Choose Your Own Adventure" story, Najeh leads the children through various scenarios, all of which lead to someone pooping in a hamper

"Never Huff Glue" by Barbaro- You are a horse. You can not write. This will not be written for you

"Little Derek and His Intangibles of Greatness" by John Kruk and Jeff Brantley- Possessing powerful intangibles that are never revealed, Little Derek single handedly solves all violent crimes, cures cancer, and reunites the The BeeGee's over the course of 4 hours on an October tuesday.

"Always Hug Your Friends" by Harold Reynolds- The moral of the story is that hugging is always acceptable, and should always be the way to end a day, or a trip to Outback.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

In Defense of Torii

I believe it was Richard Milhouse Nixon who said it best:

"Well, I screwed it up real good, didn't I?"

Today there was hope. Sweet, beautiful, omnipotent hope. Cuddyer raised the pot 1, and Morneau called his bet to make it 2 all. It was a beautiful thing, watching those balls leave the park. It was almost as if Kent Hrbek had pulled Ron Gant off 1st base once again.

And then disaster stuck...

Were we a Yankees blog, and it was A-Rod who misplayed the ball, we'd call for his head, demand he be traded, and then sing the praises of the one called Derek because, as we all know, he is infallible.

But alas, we are but a humble Twins blog, and that's not the kind of thing we do here (unless you Phil Mickelson... We hate that fatass). Here we offer kind words, useless statistics, and the occasional joke involving facial hair or what remains of Christian Guzman's pride.

As our 4 faithful readers can tell you (Hi Mom!!!), we rarely speak in derogatory tones regarding any of our beloved Twins, and we're not about to start. 5 years, 5 Gold Gloves and 4 AL Central crowns have helped to solidify our undying faith in Torii Hunter, and one misplayed ball in center field won't even come close to changing that. Torii is a part of Twins history.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Who Really Deserves the AL MVP

So here's the premise behind this. Everyone wants to argue about who deserves the AL MVP. You can argue for intangibles (Jeter), clutch performances (Ortiz) or effect on team (Morneau), but one thing that you should always look at are the stats.

Now, we know stats can be deceiving, but if you want to make a case to be MVP, you'd better at least consistently be among the league leaders in a few categories.

Now, using that formula, we took 5 players ranks in the 7 major statistical categories and added them up. One could make the case that the one with the lowest number deserves, at least offensively, to be the MVP, as it represents the player who is highest ranked in every category.

Disclaimer: We're writing this because we're bored and have no life. Under no circumstances are we to be confused with actual "experts" or "journalists". If you actually spend the time to offer a serious counter-argument you are likewise a loser and should deal with your social issues as such.

Back of the Pack:


AVG-2, Runs-2, Hits-3, HR-65, RBI-22, OBP-4, SLG-29



AVG-17, Runs-14, Hits-59, HR-3, RBI-6, OBP-1, SLG-1

Total =101

Almost, but not Quite:


AVG-38, Runs-3, Hits-37, HR-1, RBI-1, OBP-6, SLG-2


One of These Two:


AVG-7, Runs-19, Hits-7, HR-12, RBI-2, OBP-18, SLG-6



AVG-12, Runs-10, Hits-23, HR-2, RBI-5, OBP-12, SLG-3


Now, although Jeter is last on this list, he arguably stands the best chance to win it all. Part of that can be attributed to his defense, which is well above average. However, when one makes that argument, Jermaine Dye is also an above average outfielder. Likewise, Justin Morneau is as solid of a 1st baseman as there is in the league. Therefore, defense should essentially be a mute point, which should come as a relief to all of the David Ortiz and Travis Hafner apologists. It's not their fault they play in the AL and the DH is a legitimate position.

Possibly the largest contributing factor is location, as someone like Jeter will get a hell of a lot more press than someone like Morneau or Hafner. However, there's no statistical category for "How many times Jeff Brantley verbally felates you on Baseball Tonight", so we really can't figure that one into it statistically.

"But Derek Jeter has intangibles!!!" you'll scream. Well, try as hard as we could, we couldn't remember the last "intangible" Jeter had shown us, since it's been 2 years since he last dove into the stands. Unless by "intangible" you mean "after 2 All-Stars got injured, held together the remaining 5 All-Stars", than yes, we can think of one.

Likewise, some will cry about Ortiz big play ability. Last time we checked, baseball games were 9 innings, and if you can bat approximately .878 with the game on line, you should at least be able to bat better than .280 over the course of a season.


Jeter is a very solid number 2 hitter who picks up some RBI batting behind Damon but doesn't hit for much power.

Ortiz does one of 2 things, hit a home run or strike out.

Hafner is good, he's not good enough to garner legitimate MVP consideration.

In a perfect world this MVP race would come down to Dye and Morneau.

While we're wishing, we'd like a pony.

Most Likely Outcome:


Update: In case you're wondering, this was meant to be something funny that we wrote, not a legitimate argument for who deserves the MVP. Unfortunately, individuals who most likely are angered by the fact that we can type in cohesive sentences and actually have the balls to attach our names to what we write are crying about our methodology. Like we said above, this isn't really that serious, and we were just fucking around. Now, if you disagree with what we write, at least be an adult and take credit. Only pussies hide behind the "Anonymous" button...