Who Really Deserves the AL MVP

So here's the premise behind this. Everyone wants to argue about who deserves the AL MVP. You can argue for intangibles (Jeter), clutch performances (Ortiz) or effect on team (Morneau), but one thing that you should always look at are the stats.

Now, we know stats can be deceiving, but if you want to make a case to be MVP, you'd better at least consistently be among the league leaders in a few categories.

Now, using that formula, we took 5 players ranks in the 7 major statistical categories and added them up. One could make the case that the one with the lowest number deserves, at least offensively, to be the MVP, as it represents the player who is highest ranked in every category.

Disclaimer: We're writing this because we're bored and have no life. Under no circumstances are we to be confused with actual "experts" or "journalists". If you actually spend the time to offer a serious counter-argument you are likewise a loser and should deal with your social issues as such.

Back of the Pack:

Jeter:

AVG-2, Runs-2, Hits-3, HR-65, RBI-22, OBP-4, SLG-29

Total=127

Hafner:

AVG-17, Runs-14, Hits-59, HR-3, RBI-6, OBP-1, SLG-1

Total =101

Almost, but not Quite:

Ortiz:

AVG-38, Runs-3, Hits-37, HR-1, RBI-1, OBP-6, SLG-2

Total-88

One of These Two:

Morneau:

AVG-7, Runs-19, Hits-7, HR-12, RBI-2, OBP-18, SLG-6

Total-71

Dye:

AVG-12, Runs-10, Hits-23, HR-2, RBI-5, OBP-12, SLG-3

Total-67

Now, although Jeter is last on this list, he arguably stands the best chance to win it all. Part of that can be attributed to his defense, which is well above average. However, when one makes that argument, Jermaine Dye is also an above average outfielder. Likewise, Justin Morneau is as solid of a 1st baseman as there is in the league. Therefore, defense should essentially be a mute point, which should come as a relief to all of the David Ortiz and Travis Hafner apologists. It's not their fault they play in the AL and the DH is a legitimate position.

Possibly the largest contributing factor is location, as someone like Jeter will get a hell of a lot more press than someone like Morneau or Hafner. However, there's no statistical category for "How many times Jeff Brantley verbally felates you on Baseball Tonight", so we really can't figure that one into it statistically.

"But Derek Jeter has intangibles!!!" you'll scream. Well, try as hard as we could, we couldn't remember the last "intangible" Jeter had shown us, since it's been 2 years since he last dove into the stands. Unless by "intangible" you mean "after 2 All-Stars got injured, held together the remaining 5 All-Stars", than yes, we can think of one.

Likewise, some will cry about Ortiz big play ability. Last time we checked, baseball games were 9 innings, and if you can bat approximately .878 with the game on line, you should at least be able to bat better than .280 over the course of a season.

Conclusions:

Jeter is a very solid number 2 hitter who picks up some RBI batting behind Damon but doesn't hit for much power.

Ortiz does one of 2 things, hit a home run or strike out.

Hafner is good, he's not good enough to garner legitimate MVP consideration.

In a perfect world this MVP race would come down to Dye and Morneau.

While we're wishing, we'd like a pony.

Most Likely Outcome:

Jeter
Morneau
Ortiz/Dye
Hafner

Update: In case you're wondering, this was meant to be something funny that we wrote, not a legitimate argument for who deserves the MVP. Unfortunately, individuals who most likely are angered by the fact that we can type in cohesive sentences and actually have the balls to attach our names to what we write are crying about our methodology. Like we said above, this isn't really that serious, and we were just fucking around. Now, if you disagree with what we write, at least be an adult and take credit. Only pussies hide behind the "Anonymous" button...