Thursday, September 21, 2006

How to Watch the Playoffs With Your Girlfriend

In dealing with women, there are generally 3 basic categories when it comes to sports:

1) The ones that say things like "Is that Brian Favre? I like him."

2) The ones that know the Cardinals are both a baseball and football team, but not which one Albert Pujols plays for.

3) The ones that go to baseball games whether they have a boyfriend or not, own memorabilia, and throw out information like "David Ortiz never hit more than 20 home runs for the Twins, I see why they let him leave".

Lets face it gentleman, and I use the term loosely, unless you're lucky enough to be hooked up with number 3, or one of these ladies, watching sports can be somewhat of an adventure at times. Nothing is more painful than having to take time to explain the hit and run, why someone was intentionally walked, or what exactly it is that Joe Torre does.

So, as a favor to you, our readers, we've prepared this handy guide on how to watch the MLB playoffs this year and avoid all the hassle. We hope all 4 of you enjoy it.

1) Point out Joe Mauer, Derek Jeter, or Johnny Damon on a Regular Basis: This will occupy your girlfriends attention for considerable amounts of time if utilized correctly. Say things like "Man, Joe Mauer has big arms", and watch your woman swoon. Make sure to mention them when they're on offense and defense, and anytime they show a candid shot in the dugout. Avoid mentioning A-Rod (too pretty, she may want you to start waxing), Randy Johnson (too tall, she'll be afraid), or Justin Morneau (too canadian).

2) Badmouth Girls in the Stands: When the cameraman zooms in on the blonde hottie with the store bought funbags and a cell phone glued to her ear, immediately launch into a tirade about cell phones in the ballpark, all the while eye-humping said hottie. This will make her think you care more about the game than some bimbo and, after calling said bimbo a slut, she'll simply cuddle up and be content for a few innings.

3) Avoid Mentioning Something You'll Have to Explain: If you say something like "Justin Morneau has the potential to win the triple crown", you'll have to explain the triple crown, which may lead to horse racing questions, which could end with you stabbing a steakknife into your own temple. Keep it simple. Short outbursts of happiness and anger. Under no earthly circumstance should you quote Baseball Prospectus or Deadspin.

4) Never Bring Up Past Players: Much like #3, if you mention Jack Morris, you'll have to explain who he is and likewise, why he is great, occupying valuable viewing time.

5) Mention Statistics: This one is tricky, and should only be attempted by seasoned veterans, i.e. guys who have taken their significant others to a live sporting event. Say things like "Good, Jeter's up and he's only hit 14 home runs this year" and she'll understand. Say stuff like "Damn, Jeter bats .325 against right handers on the road and has an OPS of .892" and #3 will come into play again.

6) Throw a Compliment Her Way Every Time There's a Lull in The Action: This can be dangerous, as you may end up engaged if it's a serious pitchers duel. However, this is a pivotal part of your arsenal. Mention how much you love her new haircut, that you love it when she wears her pajamas all day, or that you'd love for her mother to come over for dinner next week and she'll think you're sweet and let you point your attention elsewhere for a little while. If you're feeling real sporty, combine this with a stat, and you may be able to milk it for at least 3 innings. For instance "Johan Santana throws a pretty slider... (looking at her)... Almost as pretty as your eyes". Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work? Ocassionally. Either way, you at least look like you're trying.

Well, we hope these techniques help some of you out. And also, this may be a good time to mention we are in no way liable for any bodily harm, broken TV's, alimony, or increased motherly visits that this advice may lead to.

37 Comments:

At 1:40 PM, Blogger Jess said...

I need someone to write the guidelines on how to watch the playoffs with a guy who doesn't follow sports.

How in the hell do I keep finding these dudes?

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger Rob I said...

7. Leave her home and go to a bar with hot waitresses and chicken wings.

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger AwfulAnnouncing said...

8. Break up with her in October and beg for her back in November (honey if you're reading this...I'm just joking)

 
At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jess, ditch the zero and get with a hero.

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger Spirit of Jack Morris said...

AA, you are a brave man...

Jess, Have you met AA??

 
At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

SOJM, I think AA is already take :)

 
At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

SOJM, I think AA is already taken :)

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger Spirit of Jack Morris said...

Sorry, I didn't mean it... I swear...

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Jess - I had a relationship with one of those dudes once too, it sucked.

Great post Morris!

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger Jess said...

I'm actually avoiding any entanglements until the Twins' run at destiny has ended. It's just easier that way.

Incidently, girls can use some of these tips if they're watching games with girlfriends who don't follow sports. I have a friend who remembers cute players and particularly unattractive teams. *cough*Cleveland*cough* It's a start, anyway.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger AwfulAnnouncing said...

Haha....I was caught. (actually I emailed this to her right before I posted that)

Sorry Jess, I know you are interested in a bitter man from Virginia, but as anonymous said...I've found my arch-nemesis (screw Ohio State).

Also, I think Grady Sizemore looks like a Cabbage Patch doll.

That is all...good day.

 
At 2:38 PM, Blogger Jess said...

I'm ever so crushed now. *cries*

 
At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

awww...you guys will be like that espn commercial with the OSU girl and the scUM guy

 
At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jack Morris was better as a Tiger.

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger Intentional Safety said...

I fall into the number 3 girlfriend category, but I have to take issue with Rule #1, simply because Canadians are just fine with us.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger Intentional Safety said...

I fall into the number 3 girlfriend category, but I have to take issue with Rule #1, simply because Canadians are just fine with us.

 
At 9:39 PM, Blogger Mini Me said...

Nice list haha.

 
At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need to repeat this list in January for the football playoffs. Right now I'm stuck watching Jake Plummer and the Broncos every weekend with my girlfriend which is like watching Jacque Jones make 30 spastic throws per game instead of one.

To top it all off when she gets mad because Plummer makes the rare good decision to throw the ball away instead of into double coverage I get yelled at for pointing out he did something right.

Your Attorney

 
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