Thursday, September 21, 2006

How to Watch the Playoffs With Your Girlfriend

In dealing with women, there are generally 3 basic categories when it comes to sports:

1) The ones that say things like "Is that Brian Favre? I like him."

2) The ones that know the Cardinals are both a baseball and football team, but not which one Albert Pujols plays for.

3) The ones that go to baseball games whether they have a boyfriend or not, own memorabilia, and throw out information like "David Ortiz never hit more than 20 home runs for the Twins, I see why they let him leave".

Lets face it gentleman, and I use the term loosely, unless you're lucky enough to be hooked up with number 3, or one of these ladies, watching sports can be somewhat of an adventure at times. Nothing is more painful than having to take time to explain the hit and run, why someone was intentionally walked, or what exactly it is that Joe Torre does.

So, as a favor to you, our readers, we've prepared this handy guide on how to watch the MLB playoffs this year and avoid all the hassle. We hope all 4 of you enjoy it.

1) Point out Joe Mauer, Derek Jeter, or Johnny Damon on a Regular Basis: This will occupy your girlfriends attention for considerable amounts of time if utilized correctly. Say things like "Man, Joe Mauer has big arms", and watch your woman swoon. Make sure to mention them when they're on offense and defense, and anytime they show a candid shot in the dugout. Avoid mentioning A-Rod (too pretty, she may want you to start waxing), Randy Johnson (too tall, she'll be afraid), or Justin Morneau (too canadian).

2) Badmouth Girls in the Stands: When the cameraman zooms in on the blonde hottie with the store bought funbags and a cell phone glued to her ear, immediately launch into a tirade about cell phones in the ballpark, all the while eye-humping said hottie. This will make her think you care more about the game than some bimbo and, after calling said bimbo a slut, she'll simply cuddle up and be content for a few innings.

3) Avoid Mentioning Something You'll Have to Explain: If you say something like "Justin Morneau has the potential to win the triple crown", you'll have to explain the triple crown, which may lead to horse racing questions, which could end with you stabbing a steakknife into your own temple. Keep it simple. Short outbursts of happiness and anger. Under no earthly circumstance should you quote Baseball Prospectus or Deadspin.

4) Never Bring Up Past Players: Much like #3, if you mention Jack Morris, you'll have to explain who he is and likewise, why he is great, occupying valuable viewing time.

5) Mention Statistics: This one is tricky, and should only be attempted by seasoned veterans, i.e. guys who have taken their significant others to a live sporting event. Say things like "Good, Jeter's up and he's only hit 14 home runs this year" and she'll understand. Say stuff like "Damn, Jeter bats .325 against right handers on the road and has an OPS of .892" and #3 will come into play again.

6) Throw a Compliment Her Way Every Time There's a Lull in The Action: This can be dangerous, as you may end up engaged if it's a serious pitchers duel. However, this is a pivotal part of your arsenal. Mention how much you love her new haircut, that you love it when she wears her pajamas all day, or that you'd love for her mother to come over for dinner next week and she'll think you're sweet and let you point your attention elsewhere for a little while. If you're feeling real sporty, combine this with a stat, and you may be able to milk it for at least 3 innings. For instance "Johan Santana throws a pretty slider... (looking at her)... Almost as pretty as your eyes". Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work? Ocassionally. Either way, you at least look like you're trying.

Well, we hope these techniques help some of you out. And also, this may be a good time to mention we are in no way liable for any bodily harm, broken TV's, alimony, or increased motherly visits that this advice may lead to.


At 1:40 PM, Blogger Jess said...

I need someone to write the guidelines on how to watch the playoffs with a guy who doesn't follow sports.

How in the hell do I keep finding these dudes?

At 1:42 PM, Blogger Rob I said...

7. Leave her home and go to a bar with hot waitresses and chicken wings.

At 1:51 PM, Blogger AwfulAnnouncing said...

8. Break up with her in October and beg for her back in November (honey if you're reading this...I'm just joking)

At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jess, ditch the zero and get with a hero.

At 1:55 PM, Blogger Spirit of Jack Morris said...

AA, you are a brave man...

Jess, Have you met AA??

At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

SOJM, I think AA is already take :)

At 2:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

SOJM, I think AA is already taken :)

At 2:12 PM, Blogger Spirit of Jack Morris said...

Sorry, I didn't mean it... I swear...

At 2:19 PM, Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Jess - I had a relationship with one of those dudes once too, it sucked.

Great post Morris!

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Jess said...

I'm actually avoiding any entanglements until the Twins' run at destiny has ended. It's just easier that way.

Incidently, girls can use some of these tips if they're watching games with girlfriends who don't follow sports. I have a friend who remembers cute players and particularly unattractive teams. *cough*Cleveland*cough* It's a start, anyway.

At 2:30 PM, Blogger AwfulAnnouncing said...

Haha....I was caught. (actually I emailed this to her right before I posted that)

Sorry Jess, I know you are interested in a bitter man from Virginia, but as anonymous said...I've found my arch-nemesis (screw Ohio State).

Also, I think Grady Sizemore looks like a Cabbage Patch doll.

That is all...good day.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Jess said...

I'm ever so crushed now. *cries*

At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said... guys will be like that espn commercial with the OSU girl and the scUM guy

At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jack Morris was better as a Tiger.

At 3:53 PM, Blogger Intentional Safety said...

I fall into the number 3 girlfriend category, but I have to take issue with Rule #1, simply because Canadians are just fine with us.

At 3:54 PM, Blogger Intentional Safety said...

I fall into the number 3 girlfriend category, but I have to take issue with Rule #1, simply because Canadians are just fine with us.

At 9:39 PM, Blogger Mini Me said...

Nice list haha.

At 10:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You need to repeat this list in January for the football playoffs. Right now I'm stuck watching Jake Plummer and the Broncos every weekend with my girlfriend which is like watching Jacque Jones make 30 spastic throws per game instead of one.

To top it all off when she gets mad because Plummer makes the rare good decision to throw the ball away instead of into double coverage I get yelled at for pointing out he did something right.

Your Attorney

At 6:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 7:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 2:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 6:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like your story.
But you'd better take a look here to find a really DIFFERENT dating site.
Looks amazing, agree? :-)
You can also find my pics and more about me on my page
Read more about me or drop me a message from there.

At 7:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lolita chin
lolitas 13
lolitas kid
free anal sex
lolita picture
lolita suck
lolita cp terra loltobbs ftp lol
lolita vip lolitas virgins bbs
lolita lolly fuck movie children
[url=]lolita chin[/url]
[url=]lolitas 13[/url]
[url=]lolitas kid[/url]
[url=]free anal sex[/url]
[url=]lolita picture[/url]
[url=]lolita suck[/url]
[url=]lolita cp terra loltobbs ftp lol[/url]
[url=]lolita vip lolitas virgins bbs[/url]
[url=]lolita lolly fuck movie children[/url]

At 2:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

princess alaska cruise tour

At 2:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

preteen underage video could feel him rising, and could feel his hands on her preteen 8 15 pic as he guided her to lay on her stomach.
Shifting her position, Jack pulled on her hips, raising her ass up into the air,
his hands carressing the cheeks of her buttocks and then grasping her hips firmly, his hardness pressing once more into her warm folds.
She moaned as he slammed suddenly into her, the motion starting a chain reaction that continued as he violently pounded into her willing cunt.
His fingers gripped into her hips harshly, pulled her toward him, and as he thrust into her she felt herself propelled in the other direction,
only to be pulled quickly back. Her breasts swinging freely, preteen angels felt a tingling pain in her nipples as her breasts bounced in time to his thrusts.
She moaned as she felt him tense, arching her back and trying to further expose her sex, trying to take as much of him into her as possible.
To the side, in the mirror, she could see his figure above her, his head tilted back as he groaned his pleasure.
Emily.... Oh, God... Emily!
"Come, Jack... Please, Come..." preteen hidden pic pleaded, and she found that the words were more for her than for encouragement.
She wanted to feel the hot rush of his seed, wanted to drink it inside herself and hear his moans of pleasure.
Emily... Emily...
He slammed almost painfully into her, and preteen sex pic galleries found herself nearly screaming outloud at the wonderful abuse.
He filled her so completely that she felt nearly impaled; stretched her so intensely that she feared to be torn.
His fingers dug into her flesh, and she could hear him slapping against her as his moans began to rise.

At 11:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi people,this is a simple test
sorry sex video

At 6:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

norwegian dawn cruise reviews 2005

At 1:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...
sites review

At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

free adult video sharing
free teen lesbian video
free fat girl video
anna nicole smith porn video
video cortos porn gratis
free lesbian video
free long porn video

At 2:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...
video de sexo gratis
sexy nude video clip

At 10:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

site teen
teen topanga
love quote teen
hose pantie teen
sex teen young
model teen young
clothing teen
bikini teen
cool hair style teen
ebony teen
raven riley
club fan teenage
chat room teen
bikini teen
blonde teen

At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Christie Lee
Janet Joy
Katrina Kraven
Elizabeth Lawrence
Janet Alfano
Ana Paula
Dana Vespoli
Nautica Thorn
Cris Taliana
Kinzie Jo
Haley Scott
Lexi Love
Haley Scott
Sophie Dee
Alexa May

At 4:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

[url=]Erotic Transsexual Threesome Hardcore Action[/url]
[url=]Adorable American Milf College Teacher Shows Amazing Ass[/url]
[url=]Brunette Lesbians Action Pussy Licking[/url]
[url=]Cute Asian American Barely Legal Teen Getting Banged In Bed[/url]
[url=]Asian Amateur Gets Her Wet Pussy Fucked In An Outdoor Session[/url]
[url=]Beautiful Pornstar Babe Angel Dark Fucking With Two Hunks[/url]
[url=]Celebrity Angelina Jolie Nude In Sex Scenes[/url]
[url=]Sexy boobed teen goes nude[/url]
[url=]Latin Chick Fucked By American[/url]
[url=]Adorable Latina Mom Sucking And Fucking Her Sons Friend[/url]

[url=][/url] [url=][/url] [url=]superdiosas[/url] [url=][/url] [url=]prettyhotbabes[/url] [url=]wierdporno[/url] [url=][/url] [url=]teenboat[/url] [url=]roundandbrown[/url] [url=]teenbe[/url] [url=]sunporno[/url] [url=][/url] [url=][/url] [url=]socalmovies[/url] [url=]videosection[/url] [url=]searchgalleries[/url] [url=]timsmovies[/url] [url=][/url] [url=]sapphicparadise[/url] [url=][/url]

At 6:12 AM, Anonymous viagra said...

According to recent news, the erectile dysfunction afflicted elderly people in Brazil were administered with free viagra and as a consequence they were miraculously cured of impotency. Doesn’t this news appear utterly surprising to you? But the man who is well aware of all the information on cheap viagra would never be surprised on hearing the news that the distribution of free viagra among the elderly Brazilian people suffering from sexual dysfunction has cured them of the deadly malady. But if you are not so fortunate to get hold of free Viagra, then you can buy viagra from an authentic source and cure your erectile dysfunction. The need of the hour is to browse through Viagra online, procure Viagra and treat your erectile dysfunction. But before you buy viagra online, it is necessary to consult the physician on your erectile dysfunction and take his necessary recommendations to treat the disease.

At 4:15 AM, Anonymous Health info site said...

Erectile Dysfunction is regarded as the most prevalent male sexual disorder and Viagra, the Pfizer manufactured medication is considered to be the most effective treatment of erectile dysfunction by physicians as well as patients worldwide. People suffering from erectile dysfunction instantly opt for Viagra and Viagra related information online as well as in various offline sources in order to start off their anti-impotency treatment successfully. If you are an erectile dysfunction patient, you can seek out Viagra details on several authentic online sources and more especially, the sitemap section at contains informative Viagra links that would provide you significant Viagra details and ensure your successful treatment with the drug.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home