Thursday, July 27, 2006

Some Amazing Athletes You've Probably Never Heard Of

So we've all heard of the greatest mainstream athletes of all time. Michael Jordan, John Elway, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Jim Thorpe, the list could go on forever...

(Notice how we left "Dan and Dave" off that list? We're bastards like that...)

Anyway, there have always been athletes that have operated just outside of the general media spotlight. These are the four best, according to us...

Not 5... not 3... but 4...

Loyd Ketchum- Don't screw with this guy. There is absolutely no way you could intimidate him. For a living he throws himself in front of 1800 pound bovines with attitudes, and smiles while he does it. This guy has won pretty much every major award can win doing a thing like that, and, so we hear, the guys that actually ride bulls greatly appreciate him as well.

Sadaharu Oh- This guy would be a lot higher on the list, but a lot of people have actually heard of him. For those who haven't, he holds THE record for home runs, belting 868 in his career in Japan. Not only that, but he managed the Japanese team to a win in the inaugural World Baseball Classic.

Lincoln McIlravy- A lot of people have heard of Cael Sanderson, the man that never lost a match in his college career at Iowa State, but few have heard of this Iowa wrestler. A 3 time NCAA Champion who should have won 4 had it not been for a freak loss in the finals, he took the bronze in Sydney and even coached the U.S. National team for a while. Plus he was a 5 time South Dakota high school state champion as well

Ty Murray- You know those new "Man Law" commercials with Jerome Bettis, Burt Reynolds, and some guy in a cowboy hat. He's the guy in the cowboy hat. They call him "The King of the Cowboys", and if you know any cowboys, you know they don't throw nicknames like that around often. There was absolutely nothing this guy couldn't do in a rodeo arena. 7 time World All Around Champion, 2 time World Bull Riding Champion, $3M in earnings in a sport that you only get paid if you win, and he has more records in his name than any other Professional Rodeo Cowboy ever. All that despite a massive knee injury. Oh, and he's married to Jewel.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Sorry If We Get You Damned to Hell

We apologize ahead of time for any eternal damnation that this brings about, but we've never been the kind of people to let something like this go by unnoticed.

We came across this tonight, and, well, we've pretty much guaranteed our position in hell, so we thought "Why not invite a few friends".

Apparently Jesus is a better shot-blocker than Theo Ratliff, but that can't be validated, seeing as how he's playing against a couple of nine year olds that appear to be wearing orthapedic shoes.

**Update: We found these over at "I Dislike Your Favorite Team", and apparently we weren't the only ones with a somewhat disturbed reaction

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Goodnight Michelle

Ok, so I know this absolutely nothing to do with the Minnesota Twins, Green Bay Packers, Golf, or really sports in general, but I feel the need to spread the word a little...

Some of you may have already seen this, but it never ever ever gets old...

This is a video from Jamie Kennedy (now a rapper), featuring Bob Saget (now dirty). It's actually a thing of beauty, and, well... I'm just gonna let it tell it's own story...

We can't be far away from Jodie Sweetin porn, can we??

Friday, July 21, 2006

10 Reasons We Love Golf

10) Q School

This is the greatest measuring stick ever. Imagine if any team not in the top 20 in Major League Baseball were forced to qualify again to play the next year, and if they didn't, they went back down to AAA. Wouldn't we all really love to see this happen to the Royals and Pirates?

9) The 1987 Masters

We've lived in or near Augusta since 2000, and we've learned something. Augusta loves its golf. That being said, the story of Larry Mize holing out a chip shot to win a playoff is something we can all love, and the fact that he was born in Augusta just made it that much better...

8) The 2006 U.S. Open

Colin Montgomerie misses the final green, FIGJAM hits it into the trees, Jim Furyk misses a 6 footer, and Geoff Ogilvy wins by not throwing up on himself. Try writing that about hockey...

7) Earl Woods

Say what you will about his son, the man was an excellent teacher and a wonderful person. Not only did he help craft the greatest golfer of this generation, he made that golfer learn what it means to be a good person before all else. Maybe Michelle Wie's dad should study Earl and how he made Tiger wait to go pro and experience life outside of golf...

6) Augusta National

If you have to ask why, you've obviously never been there...

5) Jason Gore

At last years U.S. Open Jason made his mark by playing in the final pairing. Unfortunately he shot an 89 in the final round. But when he asked Retief Goosen if he wanted to bet 20 bucks on a hole "just to make it interesting", he made us love him for life...

4) John Daly Winning the 1991 PGA as the 9th Alternate

Read that again... as the 9th Alternate. He had as much chance of winning as we do of hooking up with Jessica Alba, yet, he he won.

3) Ben Crenshaw Winning the 1995 Masters 4 Day's After Harvey Pennick's Funeral

The caddie in this picture, Carl Jackson, is a wonderful man that we've had the honor of meeting. When he became sick in 2000, Ben Crenshaw made sure he got proper treatment. Things like that just don't happen in real life...

2) Payne Stewart Winning the 1999 U.S. Open

Really, it became a bigger deal 4 months later when he died in a terrible plane crash, but it's the first tournament we remember watching from start to finish. This pose is indelibly etched into our golf subconscious, and we hope it never leaves...

1) Jack Nicklaus Winning The 1986 Masters

Jack making the charge on the back 9 on sunday wasn't just amazing, it was unbelievable. To this day if that tournament is on TV, we're forced to sit and watch. Never gets old. Never...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

British Open Odds

One of the more fortunate byproducts of living in the general vicinity of Augusta Georgia is the golf, and, no, we've never played the National. However, our close location to Golf Mecca (we pray to Berkmans Road 5 times a day...) has served not only to fuel our love of the game but also to provide us with some vague semblance of knowledge regarding golf's 4 greatest spectacles, The Majors...

With the British Open at Hoylake taking place this week, we offer our exclusive "Off The Baggie" odds for winning. Remember, these are steeped in conjecture and hearsay, based solely on our own wandering opinions, and in should, in no way, be reason for you to bet your home on, say, Andres Romero of Argentina...

The Contenders

Tiger Woods- Ok, so we started off easy here. But, after missing the cut at the U.S. Open Tiger showed up to play at the Penis Growing Western Open (OK, so its really the Cialis Western Open...), tying for second. On the other hand, he is paired with Nick Faldo.

Chances of Winning: 3-1

Chances of Nick Faldo Hitting Him in the Nuts with his Putter: 4-1

Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson: Coming off his MONUMENTAL collapse at the U.S. Open, it remains to be seen how he'll recover. On one hand, he may play like a man possessed, and walk away with the tournament. On the other, he may play like, well, Phil Mickelson.

Chances of Winning: 5-1

Chances of Doing the "Milkshake Dance" with his Man Boobs: 10-1

Retief Goosen: As long as he doesn't stay out too late helping out his sponsors he should play well.

Chances of Winning: 12-1

Chances of Getting Struck By Lightning: 100-1 (Ok, we're going to hell, we know it...)

Vijay Singh: Very few people are blessed with the talent to make their sneer look like a smile. Vijay is one of those people. Look for him to complain about one of the following at least once: Someones spikes tearing up the greens, equipment he thinks is illegal, all the damn white people.

Chances of Winning: 8-1

Chances of Being an Absolute Dick: 2-3

The Others

Fred Funk: We'd love nothing more than to see the short knocking Freddy run away with this thing, and the hard, short conditions of the course may help him out. With more OB than any course should ever have, Fred's accuracy should carry him to a good showing.

Chances of Winning: 10-1

Chances of Playing at Least One Round in a Skirt: 15-1

Colin Montgomerie: A FIGJAM-Monty playoff would be great, since we would finally get to decide once and for all which of the two has the more grotesque figure (Our money's on Monty). He, like FIGJAM, peed it down his leg at the Open last month, and how he recovers will remain to be seen.

Chances of Winning: 10-1

Chances of Joining a Gym in the Next 5 Years: 150-1

John Daly: Everyones favorite freak show has been having a rough go of it this year, what with his wife being in jail, losing millions gambling and his dog up and dying. Ok, so maybe we made that last part up, but Big John is, and always will be, one part scary talent, and one part, well, just plain scary

Chances of Winning: 30-1

Chances of Showing up Drunk and Making Side Bets with Padraig Harrington: Even

Sergio Garcia: Can we make a suggestion Sergio? Act like you actually care about winning, and not like you're just there to pimp your sponsors.

Chances of Winning: 25-1

Chances of Arbitrarily Jumping in the Air After Every Shot: 10-1

The Dark Horses

David Duval: My how the mighty have fallen. Not that we have anything against David, on the contrary we actually love the guy, but if we had to pick one professional to play for money, it would be him. It's almost surreal that this guy won this very tournament a few years ago isn't it? Fortunately, he put together a 16th Place finish at the U.S. Open last month, so maybe he's turning it around.

Chances of Winning: 250-1

Chances of Us Rooting for Him Anyway: Even

Ian Poulter: Out to prove he's more than just a cool pair of pants, winning in his backyard would finally push him to the next level. At the same time, it may unfortunately make pink pants more popular on the golf course.

Chances of Winning: 50-1

Chances of Playing in a Thong: 3-1

Our Choice to Win It All

Vaughn Taylor: We bought Vaughn a drink at an after party during the Masters a few years ago, and he seemed like a good guy. Add that to the fact that he's from Augusta and that he's not Charles Howell III, who we think is a little bitch, and we like him even more. We may initiate a riot on Washington Road if he does in fact win it all.

Chances of Winning: 50-1

Chances of Him Waking Up on Hungover on Our Couch During Next Years Masters: 2-1

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Torii Hunter, Meet Barbaro...

Allow us to quote from Ernest L. Thayer's "Casey at the Bat":

"... but there is no joy in Baggieville -- mighty Torii has a stress fracture in his left foot"

Alright, so maybe we took a little artistic liberty in that quote, but it seems to sum up our mood tonight after finding out that Torii Hunter does indeed have a stress facture in his left foot, despite the fact that he has actually been touched by The Hand of God.

I feel like I just got punched in the face by Brett Myers... No, really, I do...

It's bad enough that my Mom already confuses Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart, now they both hurt their left foot? What, are Mauer and Morneau teaching square dancing in the Clubhouse?