One of the more fortunate byproducts of living in the general vicinity of Augusta Georgia is the golf, and, no, we've never played the National. However, our close location to Golf Mecca (we pray to Berkmans Road 5 times a day...) has served not only to fuel our love of the game but also to provide us with some vague semblance of knowledge regarding golf's 4 greatest spectacles, The Majors...
With the British Open at Hoylake
taking place this week, we offer our exclusive "Off The Baggie" odds for winning. Remember, these are steeped in conjecture and hearsay, based solely on our own wandering opinions, and in should, in no way, be reason for you to bet your home on, say, Andres Romero of Argentina
...The ContendersTiger Woods-
Ok, so we started off easy here. But, after missing the cut at the U.S. Open Tiger showed up to play at the Penis Growing Western Open (OK, so its really the Cialis Western Open...), tying for second. On the other hand, he is paired with Nick Faldo.
Chances of Winning: 3-1
Chances of Nick Faldo Hitting Him in the Nuts with his Putter: 4-1Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson:
Coming off his MONUMENTAL collapse at the U.S. Open, it remains to be seen how he'll recover. On one hand, he may play like a man possessed, and walk away with the tournament. On the other, he may play like, well, Phil Mickelson.
Chances of Winning: 5-1
Chances of Doing the "Milkshake Dance" with his Man Boobs: 10-1Retief Goosen:
As long as he doesn't stay out too late helping out his sponsors
he should play well.
Chances of Winning: 12-1
Chances of Getting Struck By Lightning
(Ok, we're going to hell, we know it...)Vijay Singh:
Very few people are blessed with the talent to make their sneer look like a smile. Vijay is one of those people. Look for him to complain about one of the following at least once: Someones spikes tearing up the greens, equipment he thinks is illegal, all the damn white people.
Chances of Winning: 8-1
Chances of Being an Absolute Dick: 2-3The OthersFred Funk:
We'd love nothing more than to see the short knocking Freddy run away with this thing, and the hard, short conditions of the course may help him out. With more OB than any course should ever have, Fred's accuracy should carry him to a good showing.
Chances of Winning: 10-1Chances of Playing at Least One Round in a Skirt
: 15-1Colin Montgomerie:
A FIGJAM-Monty playoff would be great, since we would finally get to decide once and for all which of the two has the more grotesque figure (Our money's on Monty). He, like FIGJAM, peed it down his leg at the Open last month, and how he recovers will remain to be seen.
Chances of Winning: 10-1
Chances of Joining a Gym in the Next 5 Years: 150-1
Everyones favorite freak show has been having a rough go of it this year, what with his wife being in jail
, losing millions gambling
and his dog up and dying. Ok, so maybe we made that last part up, but Big John is, and always will be, one part scary talent, and one part, well, just plain scary
Chances of Winning: 30-1
Chances of Showing up Drunk and Making Side Bets with Padraig Harrington: Even
Can we make a suggestion Sergio? Act like you actually care about winning, and not like you're just there to pimp your sponsors.
Chances of Winning: 25-1
Chances of Arbitrarily Jumping in the Air After Every Shot: 10-1The Dark HorsesDavid Duval:
My how the mighty have fallen. Not that we have anything against David, on the contrary we actually love the guy, but if we had to pick one professional to play for money, it would be him. It's almost surreal that this guy won this very tournament a few years ago isn't it? Fortunately, he put together a 16th Place finish at the U.S. Open last month, so maybe he's turning it around.
Chances of Winning: 250-1
Chances of Us Rooting for Him Anyway: EvenIan Poulter:
Out to prove he's more than just a cool pair of pants
, winning in his backyard would finally push him to the next level. At the same time, it may unfortunately make pink pants more popular on the golf course.
Chances of Winning: 50-1
Chances of Playing in a Thong: 3-1Our Choice to Win It AllVaughn Taylor:
We bought Vaughn a drink at an after party during the Masters a few years ago, and he seemed like a good guy. Add that to the fact that he's from Augusta and that he's not Charles Howell III, who we think is a little bitch, and we like him even more. We may initiate a riot on Washington Road if he does in fact win it all.
Chances of Winning: 50-1
Chances of Him Waking Up on Hungover on Our Couch During Next Years Masters: 2-1