Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Unwritten Rules of Baseball

Memo for All Clubs

From the Office of the Commissioner

Due to recent "infractions" (*cough* Lastings *cough*) we at the league office have finally taken it upon ourselves to write down the "unwritten" rules of baseball. Mind you all, this information is very secret, even more so than the final season of "The sopranos", and should be protected by any means necessary. In the event that you are compromised by a foreign intelligence service, fringe elements of Al-Qaida, the writers of "Game of Shadow's", of even a grand jury, we suggest the employment of extensive counterinterogation techniques. Such techniques include lying, crying, or yelling "look over there" while you run the other way.

The rules are as follows:

1. You do not talk about the unwritten rules of baseball.

2. No player shall bunt in the ninth inning to break up a no-hitter. Unless the pitcher is David Wells, in which case bunting is, in fact, expected and condoned.

3. If the opposing pitcher hits a team member multiple times, you are expected to respond in kind. Unless umpires are watching, in which case you should completely forget about those two dangly things between your legs and act like nothing happened. God help you if Ozzie Guillen is involved.

4. After hitting your first career home run, you are expected to trot nonchalantly back to the dugout, and, in kind, back to your position after your team bats. Once you have been in the league for 5 years, alienated most of your teams fans, requested multiple trades, and phoned it in the playoffs, you will then be allowed to celebrate a home run. Never before.

5. The fans are the enemy. Never should you act as thought they are even part of the reason you play the game.

6. Never insinuate that your quarterback is gay... Wait, that's an unwritten football rule...

7. Never bum a cigarette from your manager. (This shall be known as the "Jim Rule")

8. If a fan rushes the field, all players are granted a "get out of jail free" card for any response, and, in no case, should the bat boy make the save.

9. While on the charter flight home, if you are playing Texas Hold 'Em, never bet to an inside straight. If playing Blackjack, never hit on an 18.

10. Betting on baseball is a despicable act, often committed by pedophiles and terrorists. Any commission of said act is arguably the worst offense in baseball. Far worse than using steroids or being arrested for drugs 7 times.

11. Never use HGH.

12. When your latest shipment of HGH is arriving, always check the bushes for federal agents.

13. The growth of your head by 4 inches is normal once you reach the age of 35.

14. All-Stars shall be decided by fan vote. This is obviously the best way we can decide who deserves to play in the All-Star game and will in no way be a popularity contest. Statistics, impact and value to team will have no bearing on voting.

15. There is no crying baseball, especially if you are very old and have desperately little bodily fluids to begin with.

Any infractions of the above listed rules will be dealt with using the "Unwritten Rules of Punishment", previously known as the MLB steroid policy.


Bud "The Comish" Selig


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