A Sweet Sonnet to Eugene Robinson

There are many things that irritate us here at "Off The Baggie". Screaming children in a movie theater, people driving slow in the left lane, carnival workers and Art Modell are just a few that come to mind. But, there is one thing that we hold well above all the rest when it comes to irritation...

Stupid Athletes...

Now, this is not an educational thing. We're not the kind of people who advocate the minimization of a group of people based on their intellectual shortcomings. However, it's when you do something that, while seemingly normal to you, causes anyone who classifies themselves as a regular citizen to stop and go "Dumbass" under their breath that you are viewed as a "Stupid Athlete".

As a public service anouncement for all of MLB, NFL, and NBA Draftees (You're dead to us now NHL) here is the "Off The Baggie" list of egregious mistakes made by unwittingly stupid athletes.

Overcelebrating a routine play - In my non-Baggie life, I am a consultant. Upon providing consultation, I do not gesticulate about in an epileptic fashion as if to mimic the first movements of a newborn giraffe. Why, you might ask, do I not? Because it is my job, and, in completing an expected portion of my job, I have very little cause for celebration. This applies to every defensive player and wide reciever in the NFL, everyone except for Jason Kidd in the NBA, and Manny Ramirez...

Referring to yourself in the third person - We all know your name, so you can stop reminding us now. And, even if we should forget, ESPN usually has it prominently displayed in a catchy graphic across the bottom of the screen...

Thanking God - While we would never impugn the religious beliefs of any athlete, or person for that matter, there are some nagging questions that arise when this is done. First, do you really think God cared more about the Twins-Royals series than he does about, say, the crisis in Darfur? Did he stop fighting the forces of evil just so he could help Kobe sink that jumper? And secondly, if you have 6 children with 4 women, none of whom you're married too, and were recently arrested trying to smuggle some pot through customs by hiding it in your butt, I'm pretty sure God is laughing at you every time you pray anyway...

Trying to become an actor/actress/rapper/record producer - There's a reason that you left Central Ohio State after your sophmore season to go pro, and that's because it was obvious that one of the only talents you were graced with was your athleticism. At no point should you think you suddenly became a good actor, smooth rhymer, or exemplary business professional overnight. Just keep sinking the jumper or stroking the long ball, and leave the actual thinking to the people whose lunch money you stole in juior high...

Forgetting that you are payed millions to play a game - If at any point you refer to yourself as a soldier, yell at fans for asking for autographs, or claim "I'm just trying to feed my family", you have officially lost touch with reality. At this point you seem to have forgotten that you are paid a seven to eight figure salary for providing absolutely nothing to society save for a few hours of entertainment a week. Essentially, you fall into the same category as masturbation... Only more expensive...

Being a hypocrite - This should essentially be called "Throwing a Eugene" in honor of Eugene Robinson, but we'd hate to pigeon-hole the guy that way (Although he may pay extra for that)...

And, as such, we are off to watch the World Cup... Because none of these things happen in soccer... Right?