Off The Baggie

Completely Untrue Facts: The Big Ten

2007-08-20T03:29:00.000-04:00

In honor of the college football season, we're going conference by conference extrapolating useless facts and lies about each team. Since we live and die by the Wisconsin Badgers (we die a lot...), today we start with the Big Ten.

Illinois: In 1976, while coaching at Orville High School in Orville, Ohio, Ron Zook made extra money by working as a male stripper in nearby Wooster.

Indiana: Despite overwhelming support from the student body, the President of the University of Indiana steadfastly refuses to change the schools motto to "Texas Tech Likes Sloppy Seconds".

Iowa: Kirk Ferentz once wrote a book entitled "101 Sexual Uses for Corn, and Other Football Strategy".

Michigan: The student health administration at the University of Michigan reported a 55% increase in condom purchases during Tom Brady's time at the college.

Michigan State: Michingan State fans were the only people in the world who were suprised when Jeff Smoker admitted his addiction to drugs.

Minnesota: During his time as head coach at U of M, Glen Mason regularly "borrowed" the Goldy Gopher costume for furry parties at his house.

Northwestern: Northwestern alumni are the only people in America who aren't joking when they reference "the good old days when we had Gary Barnett"

Ohio State: Jim Tressel mistakingly thinks his sweater vests make him look sassy, when in reality they just look gay.

Penn State: Joe Pa once had a threesome with two cheerleaders in the Penn State press box, thus the name "Happy Valley".

Purdue: This spring Joe Tiller unsuccessfully petitioned for a 12th year of eligibility for Drew Brees.

Wisconsin: The Iowa Hawkeyes logo on Bret Bielema's calf covers up the original "Milwaukee Mustangs 4-Ever" tattoo he got during his time with the Arena League franchise.

The Mascots Diaries: UGA Speaks Out...

2007-08-17T08:31:00.000-04:00

OTB: Welcome to "Off The Baggie" UGA. As our first Mascot interview, are there any words you'd like to put on the record? To "etch in stone" if you will?

UGA: Yeah. I'm going to shit in Mark Richt's hamper for making me do this. "Go give an interview to a blog" he sez. "Urban Meyer lobbied last year and it worked, we need to get our team out there in the media". So who does he send me to first? ESPN? FoxSports? CBS Sportsline? Fuck no! He couldn't even have the decency to get me a sit down with Will Leitch. Instead he sends me somewhere where the writer constantly refers to himself as "we" and hates Phil Mickelson. How's living in your Grandma's basement going for you?

OTB: Just great. I think you two have the same taste in sweaters.

UGA: Ooooh good one. You know, when girls wear these, there are boobs underneath, but I'm sure you get to see plenty of those when your masturbating to old issues of "National Geographic".

OTB: We've seen plenty of boobs in our day.

UGA: Mickleson's man jumblies don't count queer-bait.

But while we're on the topic, I really hate this damn thing? Honest to god, it itches, it's ugly, and I'm pretty sure I saw that gay Labradoodle from down the street wearing one last week. I mean, a guy can't even work the red rocket without getting it caught in some fucking cotton/wool blend that 3 malnourished children in Hong Kong got paid 4 cents a day to stitch together. It honestly looks like something that cockhat Jim Tressel would wear.

OTB: Shifting gears a bit, much has been made recently about how SEC fans are more rabid about their teams than other conferences. Do you think this is true?

UGA: Hell yeah it's true. How often have they been showing a Georgia game on TV and some douche who speaks at 1st grade level sticks his face in the camera and yells "GO DAWGS!!! WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!". When was the last time you saw a Michigan fan do the same and yell "GO WOLVERINES!!!! REOWR REOWR REOWR!!!". It never happens. And how about those poor bastards at Minnesota? What the hell kind of sound does a Golden Gopher make anyway?

OTB: Give us one good reason why the SEC is a better conference than the Big Ten.

UGA: Straight up? It's the tail man. Who would you rather have? Some crater face corn fed heifer from Illinois, or some Georgia girl whose idea of "Southern Hospitality" is 3 laps aroud the hot tub and some fuzzy handcuffs? I'll take "Southern Trespass" for $1000, Alex...

OTB: Disturbing...

UGA: I've got pictures over here if you want to see?

OTB: Ummm no...

UGA: Pussy.

OTB: Getting back on track, what is it that makes Georgia think they can contend for a National Championship this year?

UGA: The players man. If these guys play up to their full potential, we'll be unstoppable. It will be worth every dime we're paying them to finally win that National Cham.... Wait... Can you strike that last sentence from the record.

OTB: Sure "we" can...

Our Apologies

2007-01-15T22:01:00.000-05:00

First things first. We've been slacking a little bit on our sports blogging here recently. This is half due to the fact that there is a veritable cornicopia of NFL blogs that humble our little effort here, and half that the Packers sucked ass, and there are only so many "it's a rebuilding year" or "Brett Favre is still good" blog posts that we can reinvent.

Also, in a half-assed effort to bring golf blogging to the mainstream we (and by "we", I mean "I") have launched the blog Praying at Amen Corner. We promise it will be less "Titleist makes a great sand wedge" and more "Which golfer has the hottest groupies".

Good Day...

The year in Sports: Prequel

2007-01-15T21:03:00.000-05:00

Here is what we believe will happen in the year in sports.

January- Leading 24-10 at halftime of the AFC Championship game, head coach Bill Belichik is occupied thoughout the second half by a group of middle aged, married, female real estate agents sitting in the 3rd row, thereby allowing Peyton Manning to pass for 3 touchdowns to finally down the Patriots.

Febuary- In a game against Phoenix, Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony combine to take an astonishing 72 shots. In the post-game press conference, both acknowledge that they feared they would never get to shoot if they passed the ball to the other

March- David Beckham arrives in LA early, prompting an MLS record 21,000 fans to watch Posh and Becks wait for their luggage at LAX

April- Sergio Garcia finally triumphs in a major, winning at Augusta by 3. This prompts Fuzzy Zoeller to ask if they would have Taco's and Chalupa's at the champions dinner

May- Cubs management announces their pleasure at the latest peformance of Kerry Wood (2 2/3, 1K, 6 ER), calling it his best outing in years. He is immediately placed on the 15 day DL due to "Fatigue".

June- Batting .410, Alex Rodriguez is traded to the Phillies after is it revealed that he once failed to throw a "Wassup" Derek Jeter's way when they crossed paths in the clubhouse

July- Angry at the recent publicity given Tiger Woods and the upcoming birth of his first child, Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson announces he has fathered an illegitmate child with the black nanny of a fellow touring pro and that he will carry a pager during every round of golf, even though the child isn't due until January.

August- Despite batting below .250 and leading the league in errors since the A-Rod trade, Derek Jeter is largely held as the early AL MVP front runner, with many writes citing his "Intangibles" as their motivating factor. (This one may actually happen)

September- Tiger Woods wins the innaugural FedEx Cup despite playing the last 4 events wearing an artificial nursing bra. Spectators commented that they just thought Mickelson had been spending too much time in the tanning booth.

October- Mezmerized by his sweet swing, and umpire in Minnesota accidentaly allows Joe Mauer 6 strikes in one at bat during a playoff game against the Red Sox. He later described the batting champ as "Dreamy", to which Tom Brady immediately claimed disrespect.

November- In an effort to secure another BCS game, Boise State runs the "Hook and Ladder" for the entire first half of a game against Oregon State. They run nothing but the "Statue of Liberty" in the second, and still beat OSU by 21.

December- Golfer Phil Mickelson is jailed on simple assault charges after pummeling the writer of a half-assed sports blog for repeatedly calling him FIGJAM

End of Season College Football Awards

2006-12-04T20:46:00.000-05:00

The Metamucil Not-So Coach of the Year Award- Last year at this time we were singing glorious songs of praise to Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno and the coaching jobs they had both done. This year JoePa was carted off the field on a stretcher during one game and most likely shit himself during another. All this while Bowden was firing his son and cussing about the Ebay.

Most Surprising Team to Actually Finish in the Top 10- Wisconsin. Say what you will about Rutgers and their run, but how the hell did Brett Bielema and the Wisconsin Badgers make it to Bowl Selection as the #7 BCS team? Not playing Ohio State helps a little, and playing Northwestern and Buffalo late in the season helps a lot, but kudos to Bielema and the job he's done in his first season.

Team That Played the Entire Season Like They Were Hung Over- Iowa. How the hell do you go from preseason top 10 to losing to Indiana. Jesus Christ, it was Indiana. By week 6, the Drew Tate bandwagon had officially careened off a bridge and lodged itself in the sediment of the Sioux River.

Team That Waited Entirely Too Long to Fire Their Coach- North Carolina. Most would give Miami this one, but Larry Coker was just the Captain of a ship with a bad case of dry rot, and sonner or later it was going to sink. No, John Bunting was terrible for way too long. Long enough for people to assume that Butch Davis would be an upgrade.

Greatest Thing to Happen All Year- In the opening week of the season, 1-AA Montana State beat Colorado 19-10 on their own field. Montana State then proceeded to lose to Chadron State, UC Davis, and the powerhouse that is Eastern Washington. So though 4 weeks of the season, the only win that a 1-AA school had was against a program that has won a National Title in the past 20 years. God I love small school football.

Whiniest Conference in the Nation- Is it a rule that all of the SEC has to be ass-hats? Urban Meyer was admirable at Utah, but has become almost intolerable with his lobbying at Florida. This on top of the Governor of Louisiana calling Bowls to lobby for LSU. Phil Fulmer and Steve Spurrier were as annoying as always, and Tommy Tuberville (rightly so) still hasn't recovered from getting stiffed for the National Championship a few years ago. It's sad when Mark Richt is the voice of reason for your conference.

Hype Machine By-Product of the Year- Tie. Notre Dame and Brady Quinn of Notre Dame. Notre Dame is maybe the 10th best team in the Nation, yet all season long Charlie Weis cried about not getting enough Championship game discussion and then they get a BCS Bowl. Almost as bad was the constant verbal felatio doled out to Brady "My Sister Bangs AJ Hawk" Quinn, who may not even be among the 5 best quarterbacks in college football, let alone the Heisman winner.

Quarterback Who Would Win The Heisman Had He Played in a Major Conference- Hawaii's Colt Brennan. I can hear you screaming it now. "He Never Played a Good Team!!". What were we thinking? A small conference quarterback could never be any good. Just look at those Roethlisberger and Pennington guys, they really suck ass. Shut up and pay attention. In 13 games this season, Brennan has thrown 53 touchdown passes and only 11 interceptions. Small conference or not, that's a stellar fucking season.

The OhMyGodDidYouSeeThat Award- Derek Kinder, Pitt, on Darell Revis' amazing punt return. When Kinder obliterated 2 West Virginia players on one block, it likely generated approximately 200,000 phone calls, all of which went something like this... "HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT BLOCK".

What if the BCS Ran Everything?

2006-11-21T20:53:00.000-05:00

Now that we are in year 9 of the BCS experiment, we decided it would be time to look back upon the college football landscape of the last quasi-decade, and, after careful consideration and multiple bong hits, we came to this conclusion: This thing really sucks ass.

Let's recap, shall we?

98-99: Controversy involving Kansas St...

00-01: Controversy involving Florida St...

01-02: Controversy involving Nebraska...

03-04: Split National Championship

04-05: Controversy involving Auburn, which subjected us to months of southern people complaining about the SEC being robbed. No one should have to deal with that...

So, once again, the BCS sucks. In yet another effort to prove this may be worse idea since that time we wore pantyhose in junior high, we took a look at what would transpire if the BCS ruled other things in life.

Major League Baseball: Riding a wave of popularity following their last minute division championship, the Minnesota Twins snuck into the #2 BCS spot, despite being behind Detroit in the computer rankings, settting them up for a 7 game World Series loss to the Yankees, the consensus #1. Left out in the cold were the St Louis Cardinals, who dropped out of the BCS picture altogether following their late season collapse...

National Football League: The Indianapolis Colts, strong all season, occuppied the first spot, taking on the New England Patriots, who went on to win their third straight BCS Championship game. #3 Denver Broncos played the #5 Seattle Seahawks after narrowly missing out on the #2 spot. BCS #8 Pittsburgh defeated at-large selection Dallas...

Job Interviews: Despite strong resumes from multiple midwestern educated candidates, the Championship comes down to the preppy kid whose dad was a founding partner but has never actually worked in his life (The ACC) and the hot girl with a huge rack that can't even type her name but draws a large TV audience (Notre Dame)...

Other Childrens Books by Athletes

2006-10-06T21:01:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen/heard about it by now, we have to ask which rock you've been under. T.O. is apparently writing a childrens book. While we admire the effort to steer the always impressionable youth of America in the right direction (Read: They offered him a lot of money), we have to wonder if Mr. Owens is the best person to write such a book. We can only guess that this book will include no references to teamwork, sharing, or putting others above one's self.

However, it appears as though a few other athletes have begun writing books as well, and we have a sneak peak for you.

"Living With Your Own Errors" by Alex Rodriguez- A-Rod takes the children through several scenarios involving how to deal with mistakes that you may make, even if you're in unfamiliar territory. Read along as Little Alex battles his archnemesis D-Rek Jester for the affections of the fans of the Whinerville Nine.

"Electricity and You: That's No Fun" by Mathias Askew- Mathis preaches the dangers of electricity to the kids, reminding them to stay away from exposed wires, downed power lines, and police tasers.

"Always Take Your Vitamins" by Barry Bonds- Little Barry and his sidekick Schmalco help the kids to best decide which vitamins are best for them.

"Potty Training is Fun" by Najeh Davenport- A "Choose Your Own Adventure" story, Najeh leads the children through various scenarios, all of which lead to someone pooping in a hamper

"Never Huff Glue" by Barbaro- You are a horse. You can not write. This will not be written for you

"Little Derek and His Intangibles of Greatness" by John Kruk and Jeff Brantley- Possessing powerful intangibles that are never revealed, Little Derek single handedly solves all violent crimes, cures cancer, and reunites the The BeeGee's over the course of 4 hours on an October tuesday.

"Always Hug Your Friends" by Harold Reynolds- The moral of the story is that hugging is always acceptable, and should always be the way to end a day, or a trip to Outback.

In Defense of Torii

2006-10-04T21:49:00.000-04:00

I believe it was Richard Milhouse Nixon who said it best:

"Well, I screwed it up real good, didn't I?"

Today there was hope. Sweet, beautiful, omnipotent hope. Cuddyer raised the pot 1, and Morneau called his bet to make it 2 all. It was a beautiful thing, watching those balls leave the park. It was almost as if Kent Hrbek had pulled Ron Gant off 1st base once again.

And then disaster stuck...

Were we a Yankees blog, and it was A-Rod who misplayed the ball, we'd call for his head, demand he be traded, and then sing the praises of the one called Derek because, as we all know, he is infallible.

But alas, we are but a humble Twins blog, and that's not the kind of thing we do here (unless you Phil Mickelson... We hate that fatass). Here we offer kind words, useless statistics, and the occasional joke involving facial hair or what remains of Christian Guzman's pride.

As our 4 faithful readers can tell you (Hi Mom!!!), we rarely speak in derogatory tones regarding any of our beloved Twins, and we're not about to start. 5 years, 5 Gold Gloves and 4 AL Central crowns have helped to solidify our undying faith in Torii Hunter, and one misplayed ball in center field won't even come close to changing that. Torii is a part of Twins history.

Who Really Deserves the AL MVP

2006-10-02T21:32:00.000-04:00

So here's the premise behind this. Everyone wants to argue about who deserves the AL MVP. You can argue for intangibles (Jeter), clutch performances (Ortiz) or effect on team (Morneau), but one thing that you should always look at are the stats.

Now, we know stats can be deceiving, but if you want to make a case to be MVP, you'd better at least consistently be among the league leaders in a few categories.

Now, using that formula, we took 5 players ranks in the 7 major statistical categories and added them up. One could make the case that the one with the lowest number deserves, at least offensively, to be the MVP, as it represents the player who is highest ranked in every category.

Disclaimer: We're writing this because we're bored and have no life. Under no circumstances are we to be confused with actual "experts" or "journalists". If you actually spend the time to offer a serious counter-argument you are likewise a loser and should deal with your social issues as such.

Back of the Pack:

Jeter:

AVG-2, Runs-2, Hits-3, HR-65, RBI-22, OBP-4, SLG-29

Total=127

Hafner:

AVG-17, Runs-14, Hits-59, HR-3, RBI-6, OBP-1, SLG-1

Total =101

Almost, but not Quite:

Ortiz:

AVG-38, Runs-3, Hits-37, HR-1, RBI-1, OBP-6, SLG-2

Total-88

One of These Two:

Morneau:

AVG-7, Runs-19, Hits-7, HR-12, RBI-2, OBP-18, SLG-6

Total-71

Dye:

AVG-12, Runs-10, Hits-23, HR-2, RBI-5, OBP-12, SLG-3

Total-67

Now, although Jeter is last on this list, he arguably stands the best chance to win it all. Part of that can be attributed to his defense, which is well above average. However, when one makes that argument, Jermaine Dye is also an above average outfielder. Likewise, Justin Morneau is as solid of a 1st baseman as there is in the league. Therefore, defense should essentially be a mute point, which should come as a relief to all of the David Ortiz and Travis Hafner apologists. It's not their fault they play in the AL and the DH is a legitimate position.

Possibly the largest contributing factor is location, as someone like Jeter will get a hell of a lot more press than someone like Morneau or Hafner. However, there's no statistical category for "How many times Jeff Brantley verbally felates you on Baseball Tonight", so we really can't figure that one into it statistically.

"But Derek Jeter has intangibles!!!" you'll scream. Well, try as hard as we could, we couldn't remember the last "intangible" Jeter had shown us, since it's been 2 years since he last dove into the stands. Unless by "intangible" you mean "after 2 All-Stars got injured, held together the remaining 5 All-Stars", than yes, we can think of one.

Likewise, some will cry about Ortiz big play ability. Last time we checked, baseball games were 9 innings, and if you can bat approximately .878 with the game on line, you should at least be able to bat better than .280 over the course of a season.

Conclusions:

Jeter is a very solid number 2 hitter who picks up some RBI batting behind Damon but doesn't hit for much power.

Ortiz does one of 2 things, hit a home run or strike out.

Hafner is good, he's not good enough to garner legitimate MVP consideration.

In a perfect world this MVP race would come down to Dye and Morneau.

While we're wishing, we'd like a pony.

Most Likely Outcome:

Jeter
Morneau
Ortiz/Dye
Hafner

Update: In case you're wondering, this was meant to be something funny that we wrote, not a legitimate argument for who deserves the MVP. Unfortunately, individuals who most likely are angered by the fact that we can type in cohesive sentences and actually have the balls to attach our names to what we write are crying about our methodology. Like we said above, this isn't really that serious, and we were just fucking around. Now, if you disagree with what we write, at least be an adult and take credit. Only pussies hide behind the "Anonymous" button...

Ping Golf Wants You To Pay Full Price

2006-09-28T21:58:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't guessed it by now, we live in the general vicinity of Augusta Georgia. It is a wonderful place. A place filled with golf courses, magnolias, sweet tea and blue laws. A place you can come to once a year and watch a "Tradition Like No Other", but, in doing so, not be bothered by the shenanigans of one Mr. Gary McCord.

However, as of this week, Augusta is not a place you can come to buy Ping golf equipment.

Due to the ever present bottom line of big business, two local golf retailers have been informed by Ping Golf that they will no longer be able to sell Ping equipment. Why you may ask? Because the dirty bastards were giving a 10% military discount to the local service members, thereby selling the equipment at a lower price than Ping authorized. And, in the name of sweet irony, one of the stores who's selling rights were revoked for giving this most unholy of discounts was none other than the pro shop at Gordon Lakes golf course, which is conveniently located on Fort Gordon, an Army installation.

Now, as former soldiers ourselves, we never did really feel that we were entitled to any more than anyone else. Joining the military was an honor, and any discounts were appreciated, but never assumed. That being said, to tell these dealers that they can't sell Ping equipment because they were hooking up the military seems a little, how should we put it, douchebag-esque.

So, to the executives at Ping Golf, we simply request that you go fuck yourselves, and wish only to inform you that you've joined Phil Mickelson on our list of people we hope get herpes.

How to Watch the Playoffs With Your Girlfriend

2006-09-21T10:51:00.000-04:00

In dealing with women, there are generally 3 basic categories when it comes to sports:

1) The ones that say things like "Is that Brian Favre? I like him."

2) The ones that know the Cardinals are both a baseball and football team, but not which one Albert Pujols plays for.

3) The ones that go to baseball games whether they have a boyfriend or not, own memorabilia, and throw out information like "David Ortiz never hit more than 20 home runs for the Twins, I see why they let him leave".

Lets face it gentleman, and I use the term loosely, unless you're lucky enough to be hooked up with number 3, or one of these ladies, watching sports can be somewhat of an adventure at times. Nothing is more painful than having to take time to explain the hit and run, why someone was intentionally walked, or what exactly it is that Joe Torre does.

So, as a favor to you, our readers, we've prepared this handy guide on how to watch the MLB playoffs this year and avoid all the hassle. We hope all 4 of you enjoy it.

1) Point out Joe Mauer, Derek Jeter, or Johnny Damon on a Regular Basis: This will occupy your girlfriends attention for considerable amounts of time if utilized correctly. Say things like "Man, Joe Mauer has big arms", and watch your woman swoon. Make sure to mention them when they're on offense and defense, and anytime they show a candid shot in the dugout. Avoid mentioning A-Rod (too pretty, she may want you to start waxing), Randy Johnson (too tall, she'll be afraid), or Justin Morneau (too canadian).

2) Badmouth Girls in the Stands: When the cameraman zooms in on the blonde hottie with the store bought funbags and a cell phone glued to her ear, immediately launch into a tirade about cell phones in the ballpark, all the while eye-humping said hottie. This will make her think you care more about the game than some bimbo and, after calling said bimbo a slut, she'll simply cuddle up and be content for a few innings.

3) Avoid Mentioning Something You'll Have to Explain: If you say something like "Justin Morneau has the potential to win the triple crown", you'll have to explain the triple crown, which may lead to horse racing questions, which could end with you stabbing a steakknife into your own temple. Keep it simple. Short outbursts of happiness and anger. Under no earthly circumstance should you quote Baseball Prospectus or Deadspin.

4) Never Bring Up Past Players: Much like #3, if you mention Jack Morris, you'll have to explain who he is and likewise, why he is great, occupying valuable viewing time.

5) Mention Statistics: This one is tricky, and should only be attempted by seasoned veterans, i.e. guys who have taken their significant others to a live sporting event. Say things like "Good, Jeter's up and he's only hit 14 home runs this year" and she'll understand. Say stuff like "Damn, Jeter bats .325 against right handers on the road and has an OPS of .892" and #3 will come into play again.

6) Throw a Compliment Her Way Every Time There's a Lull in The Action: This can be dangerous, as you may end up engaged if it's a serious pitchers duel. However, this is a pivotal part of your arsenal. Mention how much you love her new haircut, that you love it when she wears her pajamas all day, or that you'd love for her mother to come over for dinner next week and she'll think you're sweet and let you point your attention elsewhere for a little while. If you're feeling real sporty, combine this with a stat, and you may be able to milk it for at least 3 innings. For instance "Johan Santana throws a pretty slider... (looking at her)... Almost as pretty as your eyes". Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work? Ocassionally. Either way, you at least look like you're trying.

Well, we hope these techniques help some of you out. And also, this may be a good time to mention we are in no way liable for any bodily harm, broken TV's, alimony, or increased motherly visits that this advice may lead to.

Sports Mean So Very Little

2006-09-20T11:17:00.000-04:00

We're going to step back from admiring the Twins facial hair and badmouthing Phil Mickelson for a few minutes here and get a little serious.

As most of you may know, one our favorite sites on sports is the wonderfuly funny Deadspin. They've been good to us here at our little blog and in the list of sports editors, Will Lietch is at the top.

Well some sad news came out of Deadspin today. Deadspin reader Tom Knox lost his brother Adam in Iraq this week.

We send our deepest sympathies out to the Knox Family, and hope that Tom realizes the extended family he has in the great readers and commenters at Deadspin.

The Case For Jack Morris

2006-09-10T19:34:00.000-04:00

We're going to step into the Way-Back Machine here for a second, so bear with us.

We love, nay worship, the Minnesota Twins. If you couldn't figure that out, then why the hell are you reading a blog titled "Off The Baggie". Oh, I see, you thought it had something to do with pot... Get a job stoner...

Anyway, one of the happiest moments of our childhood back in South Dakota was the 1991 World Series. The world stood still for 7 glorious games that October. Kirby was the man back then. Where we lived, fat people were meant to lay around watching TV, not rob home runs. When he hit that game 6 shot into space, we wept just a little.

All this being said, the most admirable performance of that series wasn't from the rotund one. It was Jack Morris and his game 7 masterpiece. 10 innings, 7 hits, 0 earned runs. As one Twin Cities reporter put it "Morris could have outlasted Methusela".

Normally we're not ones to post someone elses work, but this is just too good. Someone by the name of Gary Zwillinger left this as a comment on one of our posts, and it must be shared. Wherever and whoever you are Gary Zwillinger, you will forever be a friend.

THE CASE FOR JACK MORRIS

INTRODUCTION

In his first year of eligibility for the Baseball Hall of Fame in 2001, Jack Morris received 101 out of a possible 515 votes cast (19.61%). In his second year, Morris received a similar number and percentage (97 votes out of 472 votes cast – 20.55%). His third year bumped that percentage to approximately 23%. Over the last few years, his numbers have risen to 42.1%. In order to be elected, a candidate must receive at least 75% of the votes cast.

The question is why would the man who: (i) won more games than any major league pitcher during the decade of the 1980’s; (ii) is generally credited with having pitched the defining 7th game of a World Series; (iii) whose 254 career wins exceeds the career win totals of Hall of Famers Carl Hubbell, Sandy Koufax, Bob Gibson, Jim Bunning, Hal Newhouser and Bob Lemon, among others, and (iv) was called by Hall of Fame baseball writer Peter Gammons, the “best of his time, especially when it counted. It never dawned on me that he wouldn't be a first-ballot winner”; be on a course to languish among the large group of “good but not worthy” pitchers over the course of a “solid” career.

The answer, as set forth in this presentation, is that the absence of one or two magnificent “career” years or one meteoric statistic has allowed a clearly worthy Hall of Fame career to be obscured.

The purpose of this presentation is to set the record straight and make the case for Jack Morris’ entry into the Hall of Fame.

THE FACTS AND THE ARGUMENT

The game of comparisons among pitchers from different decades is a tricky one. The use of the total number of wins as the basis for either side of an argument (e.g. Morris won 70 less games than Don Sutton but was clearly more dominant and worthy, or Morris won 89 more games than Sandy Koufax but never reached his heights) provides support for Mark Twain’s distrust for statistics. However, a pitcher’s dominance in comparison to the other pitchers of his time, during the bulk and prime of an extended career, must be a valid yardstick for analysis.

Morris’ prime was the 14-year period from 1979-1992 (he pitched only 151 innings before 1979 and only 2 years after 1992). During that period, his 233 wins were not only the most by a major league pitcher, they were shockingly the most by 41 games (Bob Welch was next at 192, 174 for Dave Stieb and 168 for Nolan Ryan).

The purpose of this analysis is not to detract from Nolan Ryan, but it’s hard to ignore that during a 14 year period of what is Ryan’s “second prime” (it is, after all, Ryan’s longevity and strikeout numbers which propelled him into the Hall so overwhelmingly), Morris outwins the near unanimous first rounder by 65 games.

It’s instructive that 14 consecutive years seems to be an accurate yardstick for great pitchers who stake their Cooperstown claim on the strength of their “prime” (we’ll call them the “Prime Pitchers”) as opposed to the group of great pitchers who base their claims on longevity (we’ll call them the “Endurers”).

Step back 10 years from Morris’ prime and look at the great pitchers of the late 60’s and 70’s. In what is the prime of the great Tom Seaver (1969-1982 - remember 1969 is the “Miracle Mets” year when Seaver wins 25), Seaver wins one game less than Morris in his 14 year prime (233 for Morris and 232 for Seaver). The 14-year period from 1961 to 1974 for Bob Gibson shows Gibson winning 242 games, 9 more than Morris. Jim Palmer’s 14 year prime (1969-1982) has him winning 240 games (7 more than Morris). Steve Carlton’s 14-year prime (1969-1982) is the best of that era at 258 wins followed by Gaylord Perry (14-year prime from 1966-1979) at 255 wins. Ferguson Jenkins’ 14 year prime (1967-1980) is next at 251 wins. Other than the somewhat earlier era career of Warren Spahn (the tops at 270 during his 14 year prime from 1947-1960), the only other two post World War II pitchers to win more than Jack Morris in their 14 consecutive year primes are Greg Maddux ( 1987-2000 – 238 wins – 5 more than Morris) and Juan Marichal (1961-1974 – 237 wins - 4 more than Morris). All of the above are Hall of Famers (including the certain future entry of Maddux)

The following Prime Pitchers fall short of Morris’ 233 wins in his 14-year prime:

• Whitey Ford (1953-1966) 225 wins (Hall of Famer)
• Jim Bunning (1957-1970) 221 wins (Hall of Famer)
• Roger Clemens ((1986-1999) 231 wins (Certain Future Hall of Famer)
• Don Drysdale (1956-1969) full career – 209 wins (Hall of Famer)
• Tom Glavine (1987-2000) 208 wins (Maybe Future Hall of Famer)
• Dennis Martinez (1977- 1990) 159 wins (Unlikely Hall of Famer)
• Robin Roberts (1949-1962) 227 wins (Hall of Famer)
• Bob Welch (1979-1992) 192 wins (Unlikely Hall of Famer)

When we jump to the “Endurers” and give each of them the benefit of the doubt by counting only their “best” 14 years as the basis for the comparison (rather than any one 14 year consecutive period) Morris’ case for immediate entry into Cooperstown is only strengthened. The near unanimous first rounder, Nolan Ryan’s best 14 years gives him 10 less wins than Morris’ prime (Morris’ 233 wins to Ryan’s 223 wins). Bert Blyleven’s so far unsuccessful attempt is based on longevity and strikeouts. Blyleven’s best 14 years are the same as Ryan’s – 223 wins and 10 less than Morris’ prime. Other relevant Endurers and their best 14 years are as follows:

• Orel Hersheiser ---196 wins ---37 less than Morris’ Prime (Unlikely Hall of Famer)
• Bob Feller ---242 wins ---9 more than Morris’ Prime (Hall of Famer)
• Catfish Hunter ---222 wins --- 11 less than Morris’ Prime (Hall of Famer)
• Jim Kaat --- 228 wins --- 5 less than Morris’ Prime (Maybe Future Hall of Famer)
• Jimmy Key ---185 wins --- 48 less than Morris’ Prime (Unlikely Hall of Famer)
• Phil Niekro --- 236 wins --- 3 more than Morris’ Prime (Hall of Famer)
• Don Sutton ---228 wins --- 5 less than Morris’ Prime (Hall of Famer)
• Early Wynn --- 237 wins --- 4 more than Morris’ Prime (Hall of Famer)
• David Cone --- 182 wins – 51 less than Morris’ Prime (Unlikely Hall of Famer)

Whether it’s the “Prime Pitcher” analysis or the “Endurer” analysis, the answer is the same. The only pitchers greater than Morris are the consensus Hall of Famers: Seaver, Palmer, Gibson, Carlton, Jenkins, Perry, Marichal, Maddux (when he retires), Feller, Niekro, Spahn and Wynn. The others who have made it as well as those who haven’t are not at his level and the numbers bear that out.

On a more typical time analysis, the winners of the most games in every decade in the 20th century are all existing. or in the singular case of the 1990's and Greg Maddux, future Hall of Famers except for one; Jack Morris. The 00’s found Grover Cleveland Alexander as the pitcher with the most wins. The 10’s was led by Walter Johnson; the 20’s by Burleigh Grimes; the 30’s by Lefty Grove, and Hal Newhouser was the winningest pitcher in the 40’s. Probably more instructive is the comparison of Morris with the “modern” pitchers. When you make that comparison, Morris is right in the middle of that group and belongs with them in Cooperstown. They are as follows:

 1950’s Spahn 3 more wins than the next highest, Robin Roberts
 1960’s Marichal 33 more than the next highest, Don Drysdale
 1970’s Palmer 8 more than the next 3 highest, Jenkins, Seaver and Carlton
 1980’s MORRIS 22 more than next highest, Dave Stieb
 1990’s Maddux 12 more than next highest, Tom Glavine

Jack Morris is in the rarified air that Hall of Famers occupy. His absence would be a great injustice.

MORRIS’ RESUME

Morris’ curricula vitae is as follows:

• Greatest 7th game pitching performance in World Series History (Game 7, 1991, 10 IP – 0 ER – 7 hits- Winning Pitcher in 1-0 victory over Braves)

• One of the Innovators of the Split Fingered Fastball

• 1979-1992 – 233 Wins- 41 more than the next highest total and 65 more than Nolan Ryan

• 254 career wins in 527 starts – comparable to Jim Palmer’s 268 career wins in 521 starts (consider the talent of the Orioles teams over Palmer’s career against that of Morris’ Tigers)

• 3 seasons with 20 wins or more – compared with Don Sutton’s 1 season- Jim Bunning’s 1 season

• 5 seasons with 17 wins or more (but less than 20 wins). Ryan had 3 - 17+ seasons

• 3824 innings pitched – 6X 250+ innings – 11X 200+ innings

• Pitched on 4 World Champions – Ace of 3 of those teams with a World Series record of 4 wins – 2 losses and a 2.96 ERA in the World Series

• Acknowledged big time clutch pressure pitcher

• Unquestioned Pitcher of the 1980’s

• Pitched a No-Hitter

• Started 14 consecutive Opening Day games during his career, tying him with the great Walter Johnson for most consecutive Opening Day games

• Acknowledged number one pitcher on 1984 Detroit Tigers – one
of baseball’s all time great teams

Absent from the c.v. is any Cy Young Award. He never led the league in ERA. He led
the league in strikeouts only once, innings pitched only once and games won twice.

CONCLUSION

The picture is clear. While he never dominated for one year in a Koufax or Gibson mode, he did, perhaps more importantly, dominate his era with a magnitude that is the equivalent, at least, of the greatest modern day pitchers. He was the clutch pitcher of his generation and his success in the World Series venue bears that out. When you stack up the numbers, Morris is outperformed only by the most “elite” pitchers of the modern day. Other than those most elite (Seaver, Palmer, Gibson, Carlton, Perry, Spahn, Maddux, Jenkins) existing Hall of Famers fall consistently short of his greatness.

Morris is a Hall of Famer, plain and simple. The absence of a few stellar years or a Ryan like strikeout ability has to be the answer for the results of his first 2 years on the Hall of Fame ballot. BBWAA writers should take note and correct this mistake. Morris may not be the media friendly quote machine of someone like Palmer, but his dominance of his era over an extended career means he belongs there beside Palmer, Seaver, Gibson and Carlton in Cooperstown.

**Update: While we really love the debate that this article has generated, we have to mention once more that we did not write this. If anyone who reads this knows Gary Zwillinger, please hook us up with some contact information so we can get him the credit he deserves for such intelligent work. Whether you agree with him or not, you have to admit it's pretty damn well written...

**Another Update: This post has spawned the most intelligent debate we've ever had here. If you don't believe us, just look at the comments. Not single use of the word "Poop" or any sentence that threatens our lives because of our hatred for Phil Mickelson.

Behold the Power of Chin Stubble

2006-08-27T10:17:00.000-04:00

As some may have noticed, the Twins are playing good baseball as of late. Good enough baseball in fact to surpass the White Sox for the wild card, and sneak within four games of the division leading Tigers. Good enough baseball to recover from the loss of rookie hurler and leader of men Francisco Liriano. Good enough baseball to make Carlos Silva seem like an OK pitcher...

"But Baggie, why this reversal of fortune after a terrible start" you may ask? Well, some may attribue it to the solid pitching of Johan Santana and the unbelievable guts of Brad Radke, others the emergence of Tyner, Bartlett and Punto, and others still, to a bullpen with a freakishly low ERA. But we here have never been a group of people (I say that like there's more than just me...) to believe "statistics" or so called "experts". No my dear friends, we instead prefer to form our opinion, forge our own path, and set the standard for generations to come.

So what, exactly, do we think is causing the Twins to play so well?...

Simply put, amazing facial hair...

Boof Bonser: In utilizing a standard run of the mill goatee configuration, Boof secures his status as a run of the mill pitcher. While Boofs largest contribution to the team seems to be that he was the third player in the Liriano/Nathan for Pierzynsky trade, at some point he will come into his own facial hair wise, and immediately put up Cy Young-like numbers. Look for possible chinstrap or soul patch configurations next season

Joe Nathan: Nathan digs deep in the bag of tricks and pulls out the "point of the chin only" goatee. This may be to thank for his 27/29 saves this year, as opposing batters must stifle a laugh prior to swinging. So stylish is Joe that he was once gelling the chin hair, only to be told by MLB that Vitalis is considered an illegal substance.

Brad Radke: Much like his demeanor, this chin only goatee is straight to the point. It also provides valuable chin warmth during those cold winter nights in the Twin Cities. Unfortunately due to its rugged thickness, unpires have taken to inspecting it for foriegn objects prior to each start Radke makes.

Jason Kubel: Hailing from the baseball hotbed of Belle Fourche South Dakota, Jason utilizes the always underappreciated "hungover vagrant" variation on his facial hair. Although members of the team have regularly tried to slip tips for shaving ettiquette into casual conversation, up to this point Kubel has not taken the bait. Due to the beards thunderous power, rumors continue to circulate in the clubhouse about it being named in the BALCO grand jury indictment.

Luis Castillo: Possessing unbelievable speed, Castillo must grow some form of chin stubble to increase his drag coefficient, lest he burn up rounding third. During his 35 game hit streak with the Marlins, Luis often switched hands while shaving, thus proving himself the ultimate switch-hitter.

Francisco Liriano: Liriano has been forced to grow stubble only on the bottom half of his jaw to protect it from frostbite, an unfortunate byproduct of an arm speed so fast it produces wind chills comparable to those at Lambeau Field. Rumors swirl that the difficulty in shaving such a pattern may have had some hand in Francisco's elbow soreness that has sidelined him as of late.

Joe Mauer: Wishing to not sully his cherubic face, Joe prefers to break out the sideburns as his weapon of choice. We'll let Hugh Gallagher describe Joe's chops:

"Joe Mauers sideburns woo women with their sensuous and godlike trombone playing, can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. They are experts in stucco, veterans in love, and outlaws in Peru."

Johan Santana: This is the goatee that all other goatee's wish they could be. Much like Sampson and his hair, this chin stubble possesses secret powers. It is widely belived to have undisputable proof of Bigfoot's existence, and is thought to have personal converstions with the Chupacabra. It is so powerful that it has hired Scott Boras as its agent.

Jason Barlett: Although missing from his official team photo, Jason is the epitome of a multi-tool player, rocking both the chin beard and the sideburns as of late. In this day and age of the designated hitter and pitch counts it's a breath of fresh air to see someone who can do it all in the facial hair arena.

Rod Gardenhire: As the Twins fearless leader, Gardy sets the bar unequivocally high with his "so blond you can barely see it" look. During a game in May, after Gardenhire was ejected, his goatee returned the dugout donning glasses and it's own fake goatee, only to recognized and fined by MLB. To this point it remains the only fine ever levied against someones facial hair.

Why I Think Phil Mickelson is a Fat Douche

2006-08-24T10:14:00.000-04:00

So apparently some people took offense to my comparing Phil Mickleson to child molestors and former Nazis. Maybe I took it a little far, but what can I say, I hate the man. When he's playing on TV I loathe him. I cheer when he hits it into the bunkers, laugh when he sprays tee shots, and yell NOONAN!! when he's putting. Can I explain this behavior? In now way whatsoever. Does this pent up hatred sometimes manifest itself while I'm playing Tiger Woods '06, causing me to yell "Shake your man boobies now FIGJAM!!" after I devestate the field by shooting 88 under par at the British Open? Absolutely.

But I digress...

Anyway, I hate the man. And while they may be childish and immature, these are some of the reasons, because, well, I'm a childish and immature person.

10- Being Dumb Enough to Antagonize Tiger Woods: First he said "He's upset that I can blow it past him now" while Tiger is in the middle of rebuilding his swing, and then Dave Pelz, his short game coach, comes out and says "when he's playing well, Phil's the best there is". Look, I don't like Tiger, so stop giving him a reason to whip everyones ass. Just shut up and play.

9- Inability to Grasp the Truth: Phil turned pro in 1992, Tiger in 1996. In that time, Tiger has won 12 Majors, while Phil has 3. Yet, he still considers himself "the best in the world when I'm on". Keep rocking that gonga Phil, cuz you gotta be high to think that.

8- Jiggly Man Breasts: I'm not saying that you have to be a chiseled athlete to play this game, but at least stop wearing shirts that highlight your goodies. Buy yourself a "Manzier" or something dude.

7- That Shitty Grin: Do I really need to write anything for this one?

6- Wearing a Hat from a Company No One has Heard Of: What the hell is Bearing Point? Do they make bearings? Compasses? Manziers? Oh, wait, they're a consulting firm. That has about as much to do with golf as a company that makes bearings.

5- Wearing a Beeper at the '99 US Open: Normally I would consider this benevolent since his wife was about to go into labor, but a lot of players seemed to think it was a publicity stunt that would rival "New Coke". In fact, most players secretly hoped it would go off, or so they said. It would have been cool if it'd beeped during his opponents putt, and it got him flogged with a pitching wedge.

4- His Wife is Far Too Hot: You know how when you wander around the mall, and you see that smokin hot chick holding hands with some guy that she shouldn't be holding hands with? You know the guy. He's wearing pleated pants, eating a Cinnabon, and talking into one of those stupid hands free ear peices, all the while acting like he deserves the hottie....

Tell me you didn't just picture Phil doing that as you read it.

3- Pre-packaged Children: Where the hell is the photo op when you lose Phil? Do you keep them off to the side after a loss and when they run at you you scream "Not now!!! There's no cameras!!!". I get the feeling you'd let the ESPN crew in each year for the Christmas present unwrapping if you could. Imagine the fake smile you could use when some gave you "Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2006".

2- FIGJAM: When the people you play with give you a nickname like that, I think we can go out on a limb and assume that they think you're an arrogant dick. I wonder if when other golfers go out together and he asks to come, they tell him the wrong resturaunt just to get away from him?

1- Fucking Up the 2004 Ryder Cup: Granted, if some offered me $7 Million to play with a different set of clubs, I'd do it, even if part of the deal was to kick a puppy (kidding). But, I'm a worthless 14 handicap that will never see a Ryder Cup match, much less play in one. And likewise, I will never be representing America in an international golf competition, unless said competition takes place soon after a nuclear war, and the other 12 men left on earth have no arms. My point in this whole diatribe? Don't suddenly switch equipment when 11 other guys are relying on you to play well in a competition for national pride.

Phil Mickelson is Still an Ass

2006-08-20T20:03:00.000-04:00

While we know that the title has absolutely nothing to do with this blog, we live for a chance to bad mouth that fatso...

Anyway, in light of Tiger bringing out the beatin' stick on the rest of the field at Medinah today, we thought we would take the opportunity to compile a list of some of the worst days ever in professional golf.

Scott Hoch, 1989 Masters- Staring down a 2 footer to win the tournament over Nick Faldo on the first playoff hole, Hoch had one of those mental lapses we've all had on the course and missed it. Only, as we previously mentioned, he was putting to win the Masters, whereas we're normally putting to stay below an even 100. And even more unfortunate for Scott, his last name rhymes with "Choke".

Greg Owen, 2006 Bay Hill Invitational- Going into 17, he had a one stroke lead. After Rod Pampling bogeyed the hole, all he had to do was make his 3 footer for par to take a 2 stroke lead. But he missed it... And promptly missed the next one as well. Just like that, he's tied, and loses on the next hole.

Retief Goosen, 2005 US Open- Entering the final round with a 3 stroke lead over Jason Gore, Retief went all drunk-duffer and proceeded to shoot an 11 over 81. Goosen responded by saying "This is nothing serious, nobody has died or anything". While he admire his ability to put things in perpective, we're pretty sure his pride took a few rounds to the skull that day

Phil Mickelson, 2006 US Open- All he needed to do was make a par to win his third straight major. So he proceeded to use the often ignored trash can to tree to bunker to rough route, which, as you can guess, is often ignored for a reason. After a crowd pleasing 6 for Phil, Geoff Olgivy walked away the winner.

On a side note, watching Phil lose it may be the happiest moment of our golf lives. It's not that we dislike FIGJAM, it's that we despise him with an intensity normally reserved for child molestors and former Nazis.

Jean Van De Velde, 1999 British Open- Van De Velde had 2 chances to punch his ball back into the fairway on the 18th hole at Carnoustie in 1999. He tried for the green instead both times and ended up knee deep in the creek before it was all said and done. After limping to a triple bogey, he promptly lost on the first playoff hole, thereby halting the bleeding. We would call it the worst performance ever, were it not for this next one...

Greg Norman, 1996 Masters- Norman had arguably the worst luck of anyone ever in majors. In the '86 Masters Nicklaus tore through the back nine to beat him, then at the US Open that year, Bob Tway holed out a bunker shot to beat him. After all that, Larry Mize chipped in to beat him in a playoff at the Masters the very next year. That being said, his meltdown in the final round of the 1996 Masters is the stuff of legend. This wasn't one of those "oops, I puked on myself on the final hole" kind of things. He spent all day hitting shots into places golf shots shouldn't go. While some may say the Van De Velde choke was worse, we honor Norman becuase he elevated his suckiness for an entire 18 holes, not just one.

Update: I totally botched the Tway reference on this one. It was the PGA, not the Open. I'm not sure why I typed that... I'm not smart... And likewise, I'm not sure why I worte bogey about Mickelson... Once again, I'm not smart....

We MUST Make This Happen

2006-08-13T17:33:00.000-04:00

In case you missed it, the weekend editor over at Deadspin, The Mighty MJD, put up a thread about this today, and I must agree, we need televised Wiffle Ball...

Stop chortling and think about it. Imagine a televised sport that you can say "I can do that", and it's actually true. Well, I mean other than the WNBA...

Better yet, lets replace those stupid Cactus League games in the spring with 7 inning Wiffle Ball games. Imagine how Big Papi would scream at Manny for dropping a routine pop up when the ball takes like 8 minutes to even come down. Or seeing Jim Thome swing at a curve ball that breaks at an acute angle and fall flat on his ass...

I mean come on, ESPN already has ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNews, ESPN Classic, ESPNU and ESPN Deportes, so just create another channel, slap on an ESPN8 The Ocho banner, and give us our damn Wiffle Ball. We're Americans, we pay taxes, and we want our damn obscure sports...

We need to unite on this. I wish I could write some "Win one for the Gipper" halftime speech that would rally all 4 of my readers, but alas, I'm lacking in the motivational speaking department...

I'd imagine Will From Deadspin would put it something like this:

"But you can't hold a whole blog responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole sports blogging system? And if the whole blogging system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our sports institutions in general? I put it to you, Leather - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!" [Leads the bloggers out of ESPN headquarters, all humming the Star-Spangled Banner]

Update: Because I love a good tirade, I kept goin on this, and found these guys. Major League Wiffle Ball.

The Week in Baggieville

2006-08-10T20:29:00.000-04:00

Seeing as how interperetive dance doesn't really work over a blog, and seeing as how the creative process here at Casa-de-Baggie has running a little low this last week (we got a puppy), and seeing as how sleep has been lacking over said week (anyone want a puppy?), we're going to do something that normally we hate... A week in review sorta thingy.

So, allow us to provide you with recap... (We still prefer interperetive dance...)

We Got Some Serious Deadspin Love for a blog about tasers...

... and Maurice Clarett enjoyed it so much, he went out and got tased...

The Twins resurgence continues... Yay!!!...

...and then Francisco Liriano went all Kerry Wood on us... Boo!!!...

...and then Justin Morneau made us all feel better... Yay!!!...

Miguel Tejada flipped Toronto the bird...

The Yankees and White Sox got rained out...

...and ESPN showed us the first inning of the Twins/Jays...

...and promptly switched to the Red Sox/Royals... Burn in Hell Bristol!!!

Awful Announcing skewered Bill Simmons mercilessly...

...and Billy promptly produced his best column in 2 years...

Kissing Suzy Kolber gave us hope for getting into the Pro Football Hall of Fame...

...and we've never really played organized football...

...besides Tecmo Bowl...

Our sitemeter showed us that people got to our blog using the following search strings: "Michelle Wie Thong", "form of report card Juior high school ", "Joe Mauer Gay", "Married Baggie", and our personal favorite "Jodie Sweetin Porn"...

...and somebody actually did a search for "Off the Baggie"... Twice... Our mom must be proud...

This is the greatest Scoop Jackson blog of all time...

...and this may make you laugh so hard that you actually pee yourself...

Athletes and Tasers: Fun for the Whole Family

2006-08-07T18:21:00.000-04:00

When not enamored with this blog, sports, music, or downloading copious amounts of adult material, we are what some in this world would call "employed". It's an interesting idea really. We exchange 8 hours of our life every day for monetary compensation which can later be exchanged for goods and services, or massages with happy endings, but that's another blog unto itself.

While spending today attempting to avoid actually working while collecting said money, we uncovered a most humorous of coincidences. A lot of athletes seem to be involved with tasers lately, and not just professional ones. Here is a list that we've managed to compile

Dale Davis- After refusing to leave a hotel, Dale decided it would be a wise idea to shout profanity at the officers that showed up to escort him out. It was that intelligent thought process that helped Davis become well acquainted with the business end of a Miami-Dade issued police Taser last week...

Matthias Askew- Starting out with a parking violation and ending up with the taser is like leaving home for your Great-Grandmothers 100th birthday party at the church and winding up at the S&M convention down at the Holiday Inn instead. Apparently the Bengals know not of this parking meter you speak of...

Ellis T. Jones III- You would assume that someone with roman numerals at the end of his name would posess some sort of morale fiber, but apparently not. He may be the only guy on this list that was operating the taser, but in this San Jose State football player's defense, the skyrocketing costs of admission may have forced him to... Oh, wait... He was on a full ride? Dumbass...

DeMyron Martin- This SMU running back claims he's innocent, but the police say he was "excessively resisting arrest". As opposed to minimally resisting arrest??

A.J. Nicholson- This one is admittedly a little old, but there's nothing old about a Florida State player catching some electricity for hiding from the police in some bushes and not doing what they said. Our guess is that Bobby Bowden made him a starter soon after he posted bail...

Unnamed 14 Year Old In Oklahoma- Supposedly this kid ran into the taser when the cop was doing something called a "spark test", but that sounds eerily similar to the old "I was cleaning it and it just went off" defense. Our guess is the guy had a nasty gambling habit and lost a C-note because the kid was autistic and made like 4 three pointers in the last 5 minutes, thereby assuring that the spread wouldn't be covered. But how to get even? Boom!! Taser. But that's just our guess...

Update: This article from CBS Sportsline may be one of the best things you'll ever read on this subject. Thanks to Deadspin Comment Shrubber for the link.

Some Amazing Athletes You've Probably Never Heard Of

2006-07-27T22:07:00.000-04:00

So we've all heard of the greatest mainstream athletes of all time. Michael Jordan, John Elway, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, Jim Thorpe, the list could go on forever...

(Notice how we left "Dan and Dave" off that list? We're bastards like that...)

Anyway, there have always been athletes that have operated just outside of the general media spotlight. These are the four best, according to us...

Not 5... not 3... but 4...

Loyd Ketchum- Don't screw with this guy. There is absolutely no way you could intimidate him. For a living he throws himself in front of 1800 pound bovines with attitudes, and smiles while he does it. This guy has won pretty much every major award can win doing a thing like that, and, so we hear, the guys that actually ride bulls greatly appreciate him as well.

Sadaharu Oh- This guy would be a lot higher on the list, but a lot of people have actually heard of him. For those who haven't, he holds THE record for home runs, belting 868 in his career in Japan. Not only that, but he managed the Japanese team to a win in the inaugural World Baseball Classic.

Lincoln McIlravy- A lot of people have heard of Cael Sanderson, the man that never lost a match in his college career at Iowa State, but few have heard of this Iowa wrestler. A 3 time NCAA Champion who should have won 4 had it not been for a freak loss in the finals, he took the bronze in Sydney and even coached the U.S. National team for a while. Plus he was a 5 time South Dakota high school state champion as well

Ty Murray- You know those new "Man Law" commercials with Jerome Bettis, Burt Reynolds, and some guy in a cowboy hat. He's the guy in the cowboy hat. They call him "The King of the Cowboys", and if you know any cowboys, you know they don't throw nicknames like that around often. There was absolutely nothing this guy couldn't do in a rodeo arena. 7 time World All Around Champion, 2 time World Bull Riding Champion, $3M in earnings in a sport that you only get paid if you win, and he has more records in his name than any other Professional Rodeo Cowboy ever. All that despite a massive knee injury. Oh, and he's married to Jewel.

Sorry If We Get You Damned to Hell

2006-07-24T20:39:00.000-04:00

We apologize ahead of time for any eternal damnation that this brings about, but we've never been the kind of people to let something like this go by unnoticed.

We came across this tonight, and, well, we've pretty much guaranteed our position in hell, so we thought "Why not invite a few friends".

Apparently Jesus is a better shot-blocker than Theo Ratliff, but that can't be validated, seeing as how he's playing against a couple of nine year olds that appear to be wearing orthapedic shoes.

**Update: We found these over at "I Dislike Your Favorite Team", and apparently we weren't the only ones with a somewhat disturbed reaction

Goodnight Michelle

2006-07-23T15:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I know this absolutely nothing to do with the Minnesota Twins, Green Bay Packers, Golf, or really sports in general, but I feel the need to spread the word a little...

Some of you may have already seen this, but it never ever ever gets old...

This is a video from Jamie Kennedy (now a rapper), featuring Bob Saget (now dirty). It's actually a thing of beauty, and, well... I'm just gonna let it tell it's own story...

We can't be far away from Jodie Sweetin porn, can we??

10 Reasons We Love Golf

2006-07-21T21:43:00.000-04:00

10) Q School

This is the greatest measuring stick ever. Imagine if any team not in the top 20 in Major League Baseball were forced to qualify again to play the next year, and if they didn't, they went back down to AAA. Wouldn't we all really love to see this happen to the Royals and Pirates?

9) The 1987 Masters

We've lived in or near Augusta since 2000, and we've learned something. Augusta loves its golf. That being said, the story of Larry Mize holing out a chip shot to win a playoff is something we can all love, and the fact that he was born in Augusta just made it that much better...

8) The 2006 U.S. Open

Colin Montgomerie misses the final green, FIGJAM hits it into the trees, Jim Furyk misses a 6 footer, and Geoff Ogilvy wins by not throwing up on himself. Try writing that about hockey...

7) Earl Woods

Say what you will about his son, the man was an excellent teacher and a wonderful person. Not only did he help craft the greatest golfer of this generation, he made that golfer learn what it means to be a good person before all else. Maybe Michelle Wie's dad should study Earl and how he made Tiger wait to go pro and experience life outside of golf...

6) Augusta National

If you have to ask why, you've obviously never been there...

5) Jason Gore

At last years U.S. Open Jason made his mark by playing in the final pairing. Unfortunately he shot an 89 in the final round. But when he asked Retief Goosen if he wanted to bet 20 bucks on a hole "just to make it interesting", he made us love him for life...

4) John Daly Winning the 1991 PGA as the 9th Alternate

Read that again... as the 9th Alternate. He had as much chance of winning as we do of hooking up with Jessica Alba, yet, he he won.

3) Ben Crenshaw Winning the 1995 Masters 4 Day's After Harvey Pennick's Funeral

The caddie in this picture, Carl Jackson, is a wonderful man that we've had the honor of meeting. When he became sick in 2000, Ben Crenshaw made sure he got proper treatment. Things like that just don't happen in real life...

2) Payne Stewart Winning the 1999 U.S. Open

Really, it became a bigger deal 4 months later when he died in a terrible plane crash, but it's the first tournament we remember watching from start to finish. This pose is indelibly etched into our golf subconscious, and we hope it never leaves...

1) Jack Nicklaus Winning The 1986 Masters

Jack making the charge on the back 9 on sunday wasn't just amazing, it was unbelievable. To this day if that tournament is on TV, we're forced to sit and watch. Never gets old. Never...

British Open Odds

2006-07-18T19:58:00.000-04:00

One of the more fortunate byproducts of living in the general vicinity of Augusta Georgia is the golf, and, no, we've never played the National. However, our close location to Golf Mecca (we pray to Berkmans Road 5 times a day...) has served not only to fuel our love of the game but also to provide us with some vague semblance of knowledge regarding golf's 4 greatest spectacles, The Majors...

With the British Open at Hoylake taking place this week, we offer our exclusive "Off The Baggie" odds for winning. Remember, these are steeped in conjecture and hearsay, based solely on our own wandering opinions, and in should, in no way, be reason for you to bet your home on, say, Andres Romero of Argentina...

The Contenders

Tiger Woods- Ok, so we started off easy here. But, after missing the cut at the U.S. Open Tiger showed up to play at the Penis Growing Western Open (OK, so its really the Cialis Western Open...), tying for second. On the other hand, he is paired with Nick Faldo.

Chances of Winning: 3-1

Chances of Nick Faldo Hitting Him in the Nuts with his Putter: 4-1

Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson: Coming off his MONUMENTAL collapse at the U.S. Open, it remains to be seen how he'll recover. On one hand, he may play like a man possessed, and walk away with the tournament. On the other, he may play like, well, Phil Mickelson.

Chances of Winning: 5-1

Chances of Doing the "Milkshake Dance" with his Man Boobs: 10-1

Retief Goosen: As long as he doesn't stay out too late helping out his sponsors he should play well.

Chances of Winning: 12-1

Chances of Getting Struck By Lightning: 100-1 (Ok, we're going to hell, we know it...)

Vijay Singh: Very few people are blessed with the talent to make their sneer look like a smile. Vijay is one of those people. Look for him to complain about one of the following at least once: Someones spikes tearing up the greens, equipment he thinks is illegal, all the damn white people.

Chances of Winning: 8-1

Chances of Being an Absolute Dick: 2-3

The Others

Fred Funk: We'd love nothing more than to see the short knocking Freddy run away with this thing, and the hard, short conditions of the course may help him out. With more OB than any course should ever have, Fred's accuracy should carry him to a good showing.

Chances of Winning: 10-1

Chances of Playing at Least One Round in a Skirt: 15-1

Colin Montgomerie: A FIGJAM-Monty playoff would be great, since we would finally get to decide once and for all which of the two has the more grotesque figure (Our money's on Monty). He, like FIGJAM, peed it down his leg at the Open last month, and how he recovers will remain to be seen.

Chances of Winning: 10-1

Chances of Joining a Gym in the Next 5 Years: 150-1

John Daly: Everyones favorite freak show has been having a rough go of it this year, what with his wife being in jail, losing millions gambling and his dog up and dying. Ok, so maybe we made that last part up, but Big John is, and always will be, one part scary talent, and one part, well, just plain scary

Chances of Winning: 30-1

Chances of Showing up Drunk and Making Side Bets with Padraig Harrington: Even

Sergio Garcia: Can we make a suggestion Sergio? Act like you actually care about winning, and not like you're just there to pimp your sponsors.

Chances of Winning: 25-1

Chances of Arbitrarily Jumping in the Air After Every Shot: 10-1

The Dark Horses

David Duval: My how the mighty have fallen. Not that we have anything against David, on the contrary we actually love the guy, but if we had to pick one professional to play for money, it would be him. It's almost surreal that this guy won this very tournament a few years ago isn't it? Fortunately, he put together a 16th Place finish at the U.S. Open last month, so maybe he's turning it around.

Chances of Winning: 250-1

Chances of Us Rooting for Him Anyway: Even

Ian Poulter: Out to prove he's more than just a cool pair of pants, winning in his backyard would finally push him to the next level. At the same time, it may unfortunately make pink pants more popular on the golf course.

Chances of Winning: 50-1

Chances of Playing in a Thong: 3-1

Our Choice to Win It All

Vaughn Taylor: We bought Vaughn a drink at an after party during the Masters a few years ago, and he seemed like a good guy. Add that to the fact that he's from Augusta and that he's not Charles Howell III, who we think is a little bitch, and we like him even more. We may initiate a riot on Washington Road if he does in fact win it all.

Chances of Winning: 50-1

Chances of Him Waking Up on Hungover on Our Couch During Next Years Masters: 2-1

Torii Hunter, Meet Barbaro...

2006-07-16T20:22:00.000-04:00

Allow us to quote from Ernest L. Thayer's "Casey at the Bat":

"... but there is no joy in Baggieville -- mighty Torii has a stress fracture in his left foot"

Alright, so maybe we took a little artistic liberty in that quote, but it seems to sum up our mood tonight after finding out that Torii Hunter does indeed have a stress facture in his left foot, despite the fact that he has actually been touched by The Hand of God.

I feel like I just got punched in the face by Brett Myers... No, really, I do...

It's bad enough that my Mom already confuses Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart, now they both hurt their left foot? What, are Mauer and Morneau teaching square dancing in the Clubhouse?

The South Dakota Sports Scene

2006-06-29T20:59:00.000-04:00

As some of you may may know, we at "Off The Baggie" have not always called the lovely confines of Georgia home. No, in fact, we originally hail from a far off land. A land of cowboys and sunday rodeos, drunken slow pitch softball and 3.2 beer, hot farm girls and county police who drink beer while on duty.

No, this land we speak of is not heaven. It is, in fact, South Dakota, which was we believe was originally settled by german fur traders who got lost on their way to Canada. It doesn't take a genius to realize that "South Dakota" is a German translation of "Hans stop wandering around in only your beaver thong".

What, you may be asking yourself, has South Dakota ever contributed to the world of sports? Well, punch yourself in the face dummy... Seriously.... Do it... Memphis 6th Man Mike Miller comes from this great state, and none other than Adam Vinatieri, the greatest kicker ever, was born and raised in Rapid City and kicked collegiately for our beloved South Dakota State University Jackrabbits...

Anyway, we have once again traveled to the place of our birth, and in the spirit of such great traveling journalists as Kerouac, we are offering this list of sporting events we hope to see as we spend our next 2 weeks visiting the motherland:

Low Rent Country Rodeo- Nothing screams "America Rules" like old drunk cowboys trying to ride a Saddle Bronc with a can of Busch Light is their hands and a Marlboro Red hanging from their lips. These are also the people that brought us the wonderful event known as "Bull Poker"...

9 man Football- This one's impossible since its not football season, but we miss it still. This is like the Arena league if they played on crappy turf 80 yards long with a snow blower pointed into their faces. South Dakota has a mercy rule that states if one team is up my 35 at the half, the game is over...

Dirt Bike Hill Climb- Once again, drunk people are obviously a big part of this event. Imagine trying to ride a motorcyle straight up a 80 degree slope. Add the booze to the equation and its just good clean family fun...

All Night Softball Tournament- These are probably the most fun any man should ever have. Known as "The Night Owl" in my home town, most of us just took it as an opportunity to stay up all night drinking and attempting to sleep with women way out of our league. When I was a junior in high school, I once woke up wearing only my underwear in the middle of a wheat field after one of these...

Independent League Baseball- Sioux Falls South Dakota, home of the Sioux Falls Canaries, arguably the wimpiest named team in organized baseball. We really don't have any jokes for this one, we just love the hell out of minor league baseball...

Golf Tournament Organized by the Local Bar- In case you haven't guessed, alchohol plays a big part in the lives of the citizenry of South Dakota. Combine this with a dusty, flat, local golf course, and you have an event custom made for ESPN2. It's nothing to have at least 3 people get hit by golf balls and another 3 injured in cart related accidents...

Do Not Look Directly at the Joe Mauer

2006-06-28T13:15:00.000-04:00

In light of his recent performances (4 for 5 on Monday, 5 for 5 on Tuesday) "Off The Baggie" thought we would take a little time today to sing sweet songs of praise about Joe Mauer and our beloved Twins. This despite the fact that early on this season the Twins dashed our hopeful spirits, leading us to sing most of our Twins related songs to the tune of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald".

But, alas, the sun has shone on the gigantic hefty bag that inspired this very blog (which is a feat unto itself, considering said baggie is inside a dome) and the Twins have began a resurgence of sorts. Weilding their bats as though they were snow shovels in Duluth in January, players such as Justin Morneau, Jason Bartlett, and, yes, even Luis Castillo, have begun scoring runs, something that hasn't happened in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome since, well, Hubert H. Humphrey was a relevant politician. And, despite a perceived Cardinals bias, the Twins have even been mentioned on Deadspin a few times lately.

And, to steal a line from Hugh Gallagher, "Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Joe Mauer once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.".

Okay, so maybe we made that last paragraph up...

However, in all seriousness, despite leading the league with a .389 average, Joe is still mired in 3rd place on the All-Star Ballot behind Jason Varitek (.250) and Pudge Rodriguez (.298). A fact not missed by BatGirl (Click on the cool picture of Chairman Mauer).

We need you help people... For a mere 6 mouse clicks, you too can sponsor a Twins Catcher... Think of the children people... THE CHILDREN!!!

Joe Mauer and Some Pitcher Guy

2006-06-21T13:35:00.000-04:00

Lets go to work here..

7:49- First things first here today. I need to throw a big man-hug out to the guys at Deadspin for the mention on the site today. And, judging by the comments on their site, most of us will be rooting against the Astros tonight. Good times...

7:57- Countdown to Clemens...3...2...1... By the way, I think Jeff Brantley took a bong hit right before he went on the air....

8:01- Its gonna be hard for Joe Morgan to call this game with his head buried somewhere around Clemens' colon...

8:05- The damn game hasn't even started yet and we've already had 2 Clemens montage's. I could easily drink Draino tonight...

8:10- Way to go Roger!!! Nothing like picking up an error on the first batter.

8:16- Joe Mauer just struck out... I need a moment... Ok, now we get to see the good pitcher of the night, Francisco Liriano...

8:21- Liriano only threw 7 pitches that inning... Oh, and I just put a hit out on that Shugs guy that posted the comment below... I poisoned his Boost...

8:26- Why the hell does that fat guy behind home plate have binoculars around his neck? You're 6 feet from the field tubby, you can smell Brad Ausmus at this point...

8:31- Dude, you just walked a guy named Terry Tiffee... I don't even need to make a joke on this one...

8:40- The Twins traded A.J Pierzynsky to the Giants for Liriano, Joe Nathan, Boof Bonser and some of Moises Alou's special hand cream... Okay, so I made that last part up...

8:46- Liriano almost winged his bat into the stands. Somewhere, Keith Olbermann's mom hid under her bed... Oh, and its 1-0 Twins on an RBI hit by Jason Kubel that almost hit the space station...

8:55- OK, I have to say it... Joe Morgan is the announcing equivalent of a wet toilet seat...

9:00- Uh-oh. Mound visit. "We need a live chicken to take the curse off Bagwells glove, and nobody seems to know what to get Ozzie and Jay for their wedding"...

9:03- Torii Hunter is now 0-334 (I think) against Clemens. I can picture him in the clubhouse before the game acting like Cerrano from "Major League" with a snake and asking Joe Mauer to bring him a live chicken...

9:10- Good catch by AwfulAnnouncing: "Good recieving of the ball there by Ausmus"... Listening to Joe Morgan is like pulling your own nose hair... Sooner or later, its gonna make you cry...

9:17- I'm pretty sure this is fake, but Johan Santana has a Myspace page... Here's his About Me paragraph:

"Hi, my name is Johan Santana. I am a pitcher for the Minnesota Twins. I didn't always play for the Twins though. I was signed by Houston Astros then Twins drafted me from the minor league and gave me a chance to pitch. Last year I won the Cy Young award. They give that award out to the very best pitchers every year and last year I guess I was a very good pitcher."

9:19- "When your strengths show up, you go on a winning streak, when your weaknesses show up, you go on a losing streak"... Wow Joe's smart... I'd love to see Joe Buck hit him in the face with a shovel...

9:22- This has nothing to do with sports, but apparently the Governor of Minnesota enjoys the Myspace as well. I don't think having a young man with no shirt on in your friends list is a good political decision... Just a hunch...

9:30- "Obviously Brad Ausmus is just trying to give him a little blow here"... And it wasn't even Joe... I'm absolutely speechless...

9:31- Roger just went over 100 pitches... Meanwhile, Liriano's thrown 42... "The Home" just called Roger. you need to be back by 6 AM for breakfast...

9:40- Who woke up Luis Castillo? Can they do the same thing to Rondell White?

9:43- Justin Morneau just demolished a pitch... And Joe Morgan immediately brought up Kent Hrbek... Or as I call him, Ron Gant's best friend... 3-0 Twins in the 6th...

9:50- Great comment on Deadspin: "Do these guys realize that this "retirement" is only slightly longer than his previous one? Carl Pavano has been out of action longer than ROger Clemens."... This is why we love that website...

9:55- Since Roger has been relegated to the post-game spread now, we're gonna take this opportunity to ask... Is Mrs. Clemens hammered??

9:55- Francisco Liriano is the best young pitcher in the league, bar none. He just threw 18 consecutive strikes. Bert Blyleven is sporting wood right now, I guarantee it...

10:00- Is it wrong of me to hope for a monumental collapse from the Tigers? Or for Ozzie Guillen to insult everyone so he gets suspended for the season and the White Sox die a slow death? I'm just asking...

10:02- To answer the question by AwfulAnnouncing below, it's happened at least once, including Derek lowe's no hitter. He gave up one walk, who was doubled off... I think its happened a few other times as well...

10:07- This has really turned into the Liriano show now. Joe Morgan is giving him a verbal blow-job that could teach Jenna Jameson something... And I don't wanna say Craig Biggio is old, but his first hit-by-pitch was from Old Hoss Radbourn...

10:16- My buddy Carl just called me and brought up an interesting point. Kerry Wood struck out 20 batters the first time he faced the Astros. This may not bode well for Liriano... Lets hope he never plays for Dusty Baker... Carl also informed me that Alexi Lalas was on "The Colbert Report" last night. What, was Julie Fowdy already booked???

10:19- Justin Morneau is now a triple away from the cycle...

10:25- You know the Orioles are bad when Miguel Cabrera stretches to get a hit during an intentional walk... That may be the best in game update ever... Wow, you know I'm tired when I accidentally type Orlando Cabrera...

10:28- Jason Lane just made this interesting... 4-2 Twins in the 8th... I gotta smoke...

10:38- Oh happy day... Lew Ford is pinch hitting... Thats gotta be one of the best names in baseball...

10:40- Great graphic on the Liriano-Nathan trade... So technically I can credit A.J. Pierzynski and the Giants GM with this win if they hold on... And we all know how "The Baggie" feels about A.J....

10:50- Joe Nathan looks really good tonight... One out away from the win...

10:53- Nathan gets the last Astro, and I'm officially out of gas. I'll take the 4-2 win, especially with Liriano's performance tonight. If you read this whole thing, thanks for looking. Big love to AwfulAnnouncing, Shugs, and Bdoc for the comments all night...

Peace my People...

Off The Tent

2006-06-19T21:53:00.000-04:00

In the annals of golf history there have been some wonderful nicknames. Jack "The Golden Bear" Nicklaus, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler, Sam "The King of Swing" Snead, Ernie "The Big Easy" Els, and Byron "Lord Byron" Nelson are a few of the better ones to date. But, that being said, Phil Mickelson may possess the single greatest nickname ever in the history of sports, and we don't mean "Lefty".

A casual acquaintance of "Off The Baggie" was a volunteer at this years Masters, and offered us this tiny tidbit on Phil:

"During the tournament, the other players kept calling him FIGJAM all week, and when I asked what it stood for, one of them told me it stood for 'Fuck I'm Good Just Ask Me.'"

So, after a little research on the topic, it's become obvious that this is how the rest of the players view one of the most popular golfers among fans. We can only assume that in the above picture Geoff Ogilvy is telling him "See FIGJAM, this hole is much easier when you don't hit that tent over there."

After his performance on sunday, however, FIGJAM could stand for "Fairly Idiotic Golfer Just Absolutely Melted".

Maybe his man boobs got in the way of his swing, but when he hit that second shot into the tree on 18, we suspect that a silent cheer went up among PGA professionals everywhere. Johnny Miller summed it up best when he said "Ben Hogan is rolling over in his grave right now".

And 15 minutes earlier Colin Montgomery did his best "Greg Norman at the 96 Masters" impression, thereby putting the two biggest man-racks in golf into a tie for 2nd place. Somewhere, Meatloaf's character from "Fight Club" is crying right now...

The Unwritten Rules of Baseball

2006-06-15T20:18:00.000-04:00

Memo for All Clubs

From the Office of the Commissioner

Due to recent "infractions" (*cough* Lastings *cough*) we at the league office have finally taken it upon ourselves to write down the "unwritten" rules of baseball. Mind you all, this information is very secret, even more so than the final season of "The sopranos", and should be protected by any means necessary. In the event that you are compromised by a foreign intelligence service, fringe elements of Al-Qaida, the writers of "Game of Shadow's", of even a grand jury, we suggest the employment of extensive counterinterogation techniques. Such techniques include lying, crying, or yelling "look over there" while you run the other way.

The rules are as follows:

1. You do not talk about the unwritten rules of baseball.

2. No player shall bunt in the ninth inning to break up a no-hitter. Unless the pitcher is David Wells, in which case bunting is, in fact, expected and condoned.

3. If the opposing pitcher hits a team member multiple times, you are expected to respond in kind. Unless umpires are watching, in which case you should completely forget about those two dangly things between your legs and act like nothing happened. God help you if Ozzie Guillen is involved.

4. After hitting your first career home run, you are expected to trot nonchalantly back to the dugout, and, in kind, back to your position after your team bats. Once you have been in the league for 5 years, alienated most of your teams fans, requested multiple trades, and phoned it in the playoffs, you will then be allowed to celebrate a home run. Never before.

5. The fans are the enemy. Never should you act as thought they are even part of the reason you play the game.

6. Never insinuate that your quarterback is gay... Wait, that's an unwritten football rule...

7. Never bum a cigarette from your manager. (This shall be known as the "Jim Rule")

8. If a fan rushes the field, all players are granted a "get out of jail free" card for any response, and, in no case, should the bat boy make the save.

9. While on the charter flight home, if you are playing Texas Hold 'Em, never bet to an inside straight. If playing Blackjack, never hit on an 18.

10. Betting on baseball is a despicable act, often committed by pedophiles and terrorists. Any commission of said act is arguably the worst offense in baseball. Far worse than using steroids or being arrested for drugs 7 times.

11. Never use HGH.

12. When your latest shipment of HGH is arriving, always check the bushes for federal agents.

13. The growth of your head by 4 inches is normal once you reach the age of 35.

14. All-Stars shall be decided by fan vote. This is obviously the best way we can decide who deserves to play in the All-Star game and will in no way be a popularity contest. Statistics, impact and value to team will have no bearing on voting.

15. There is no crying baseball, especially if you are very old and have desperately little bodily fluids to begin with.

Any infractions of the above listed rules will be dealt with using the "Unwritten Rules of Punishment", previously known as the MLB steroid policy.

Sincerely,

Bud "The Comish" Selig

10 People From Sports We'd Like To Kick In The Stuff

2006-06-12T20:22:00.000-04:00

While watching the Indians-White Sox last night, a stark realization filled casa-de-baggie...

We really hate Joe Morgan. And, apparently, we're not the only ones...

But that made us think, who else do we hate? And not only that, but which people in sports do we dislike with such a fiery passion that we would kick them in that unholy place if given the chance?

So, we came up with this list:

10. Bud Selig- How fucking dumb was that contraction idea, especially when you just happen to ignore the fact that the team you used to own has been one of the worst in baseball over the past decade...

9. Steve Phillips- Let me get this straight, the Mets fire you beacause you suck, yet ESPN expects us to believe everything you have to say about trades and stuff... And who sez ESPN's not smart...

8. Skip Bayless- I'm not sure which is funnnier, the fact that he actually believes what he writes, or that he seems to go to the same plastic surgeon as Jerry Jones...

7. Manny Ramirez- Every time the guy hits a homer and admires it for approximately 16 minutes, I get the sense that Ted Williams' frozen head is shedding a tear...

6. Cindy Brunson- Granted, we can't really kick her in the stuff, but if we hear that stupid home run catchphrase "It's just a little crush" one more time, she's catching one on the ovaries...

5. Steven A. Smith- Would someone please tell this bastard that the little thingy clipped to his tie is a microphone, and, much to his surprise, he doesn't need to yell. And while you're at it, tell him that that stupid show "Quite Frankly" has single handedly set the sports world back 15 years...

4. Curt Schilling- If I ever need advice on how to disassemble a 1978 Chevy Vega, I'm sure this ass would have some to give.

3. A.J. Peirzynski- As good catholics here at "Off The Baggie", a picture of Pope John Paul usually hangs in our home. We say usually because for a few days last month we replaced it with a picture of Michael Barrett...

2. Colin Cowherd- Is anyone noticing an anti-ESPN bias on this list? This guy is so in love with his own voice, he spends 3 hours every day saying the exact same thing. And, to make himself feel better, he only allows callers that agree with him so as to try to seem like he actually knows something. Oh, and that "Spanning the Globe" shit that he just started doing on SportsCenter just proves that he looks as dumb as he sounds...

1. Eric Kuselias- There's plenty of angry rhetoric we could spew about Kuselias, but the guy over at "Words Words Words" seems to sum it up best. But, in gutlessly thrashing Deadspin on your show last week, you angered "The Baggie". Not only have the fine folks at Deadspin given us a little love, but even if they were wrong about the whole Grimsley thing, we'd still take them and a colonoscopy over listening to you anyday...

A Sweet Sonnet to Eugene Robinson

2006-06-09T11:50:00.000-04:00

There are many things that irritate us here at "Off The Baggie". Screaming children in a movie theater, people driving slow in the left lane, carnival workers and Art Modell are just a few that come to mind. But, there is one thing that we hold well above all the rest when it comes to irritation...

Stupid Athletes...

Now, this is not an educational thing. We're not the kind of people who advocate the minimization of a group of people based on their intellectual shortcomings. However, it's when you do something that, while seemingly normal to you, causes anyone who classifies themselves as a regular citizen to stop and go "Dumbass" under their breath that you are viewed as a "Stupid Athlete".

As a public service anouncement for all of MLB, NFL, and NBA Draftees (You're dead to us now NHL) here is the "Off The Baggie" list of egregious mistakes made by unwittingly stupid athletes.

Overcelebrating a routine play - In my non-Baggie life, I am a consultant. Upon providing consultation, I do not gesticulate about in an epileptic fashion as if to mimic the first movements of a newborn giraffe. Why, you might ask, do I not? Because it is my job, and, in completing an expected portion of my job, I have very little cause for celebration. This applies to every defensive player and wide reciever in the NFL, everyone except for Jason Kidd in the NBA, and Manny Ramirez...

Referring to yourself in the third person - We all know your name, so you can stop reminding us now. And, even if we should forget, ESPN usually has it prominently displayed in a catchy graphic across the bottom of the screen...

Thanking God - While we would never impugn the religious beliefs of any athlete, or person for that matter, there are some nagging questions that arise when this is done. First, do you really think God cared more about the Twins-Royals series than he does about, say, the crisis in Darfur? Did he stop fighting the forces of evil just so he could help Kobe sink that jumper? And secondly, if you have 6 children with 4 women, none of whom you're married too, and were recently arrested trying to smuggle some pot through customs by hiding it in your butt, I'm pretty sure God is laughing at you every time you pray anyway...

Trying to become an actor/actress/rapper/record producer - There's a reason that you left Central Ohio State after your sophmore season to go pro, and that's because it was obvious that one of the only talents you were graced with was your athleticism. At no point should you think you suddenly became a good actor, smooth rhymer, or exemplary business professional overnight. Just keep sinking the jumper or stroking the long ball, and leave the actual thinking to the people whose lunch money you stole in juior high...

Forgetting that you are payed millions to play a game - If at any point you refer to yourself as a soldier, yell at fans for asking for autographs, or claim "I'm just trying to feed my family", you have officially lost touch with reality. At this point you seem to have forgotten that you are paid a seven to eight figure salary for providing absolutely nothing to society save for a few hours of entertainment a week. Essentially, you fall into the same category as masturbation... Only more expensive...

Being a hypocrite - This should essentially be called "Throwing a Eugene" in honor of Eugene Robinson, but we'd hate to pigeon-hole the guy that way (Although he may pay extra for that)...

And, as such, we are off to watch the World Cup... Because none of these things happen in soccer... Right?

Yet Another Reason to Listen to Peter Gammons

2006-06-04T21:23:00.000-04:00

Apparently, the smartest man in the universe, Peter Gammons, has been drinking from the Joe Mauer Kool-Aid that we serve here at "Off the Baggie". Well, drink deep dear Peter, drink deep.

In the preview of an article written for the ESPN Insider, Gammons extols the virtue of young Joseph:

"Remember how the Twins were ridiculed in 2001 for taking Joe Mauer with the first pick instead of Mark Prior? Five years later, try to see if the Twins will make that trade, as despite a knee injury and the eventual possibility of a move to third base, Mauer is a rising star, while Prior has suffered from the modern pitcher's real world of inexplicable injuries. And since making his Cubs debut on May 22, 2002, Prior is 60th in the majors in wins with 41."

While we would post the rest of the article here for your Mauer related reading pleasure, "Off the Baggie" has yet to secure any form of corporate sponsorship, so at this point, we're to cheap to pay for the Insider subscription. However, one can only assume that remaining Mauer related portions of the article is written in in a fashion similar the hushed, reverent tones often reserved for the veneration of Saints at the Vatican.

Let there be no confusion, Joe Mauer is the Baseball Jesus, while Mark Prior is obviously the unresurrected corpse of Lazarus. Hey, Peter Gammons said so, so that makes it true...

Anyway, here's the article, for those of you who happen to have $3.99 a month just laying around...

If The Twins Don't Want You, You Must Really Suck...

2006-06-04T18:57:00.000-04:00

While it is obvious that there are certain former Twins who seem to have blossomed since they left the friendly confines of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome (Okay, we admit it, Big Papi is really good...sheez), there remains a plethora of one time Twins who seem to be having rough go of it lately.

As so eloquently shown above, one such Twin, former catcher A.J. Pierzynski, was not only on the receiving end of a Michael Barrett love-knuckle recently, he managed to look like a complete douche while doing it. (He looks so much like Bill Engvall, I keep expecting him to do one of those stupid "Here's Your Sign" routines the next time he hits a home run) And, to make matters worse for A.J., the next day Tim Kurkjian referred to him as "the most irritating man in baseball". Now, its one thing to get owned by a Cubs catcher, it's a whole other thing to get dissed by Timmy K.

And he's just one of many:

Jacque Jones- How's that signing working out for you Chicago? Which makes you more uncomfortable, his spastic fielding or that stupid look he always has on his face?

Matt LeCroy- As documented right here, he made Frank Robinson get weepy, and he appears to be taking throw-out lessons from Mackey Sasser.

Doug Mientkiewicz- He plays for the fucking Royals. We don't need to pick on this guy anymore.

Rick Aguilera- 3 Hall of Fame votes Ricky? That was one less than John Wetteland...

Bert Blyleven- Although he did get slightly more HOF votes than Ricky (277 to 3...) his recent broadcasting antics have relegated him to the same scrap heap as Rick Sutcliffe and Joe Namath. Although, in his defense, doesn't every dude on "American Idol" get lucky with Paula Abdul?

Paris Verba?? That Doesn't Sound Right...

2006-06-03T18:55:00.000-04:00

I'm sure many of you in Packer Nation look back on the late '90's with a certain wisp of nostalgia (I know I sure do), remembering the glory days of such intrepid individuals as Robert Brooks, Jim Flannigan, Dorsey Levens, and, our personal favorite, Mark "Thought It Was Consensual" Chmura. But, who can forget the '97 draft and the selection of Hall Of Famer Ross Verba... Wait, he didn't make the hall of fame??? Well I'm sure he's goin... Whats that??? Oh, he wasn't in the league last year... Well I'm sure he spent the time training... Really?? With Paris Hilton?? Ewww...

Anyway, now that his days of requiring regular penicillin shots are behind him, the Detroit Lions and their very own Isaiah, Matt Millen, have given him a contract worth a potential $20 Million...

Allow us to show ways that money would be better spent

1. Buying 26 Million chocolate pudding Snack Packs...
2. Buying Charles Rogers out of his existing contract.... Twice
3. Resodding Vermont...
4. Getting 3/4 of a season of shoddy fielding and clutch situation choking from Greg Louganis' Boyfriend...

Big love to the folks at Deadspin for their hard hitting background reporting on this one...

This Is Just Too Easy

2006-06-02T23:01:00.000-04:00

Anyone else see an eery resemblence between A-Rod and Greg Louganis? No?

If these two were to get into a fight, it may rank as the most heated "slap-fight" of all time...

Would it be considered domestic violence???

Somehow, I see A-Rod as the "wife" in this relationship...

Take That Isaiah!!!

2006-06-02T21:38:00.000-04:00

Allow me to describe this with a line from the immortal Dr. Peter Venkman: "Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria"...

Alas, the point of my thesis would be this...

The Sacramento Kings today hired Eric Musselman as their head coach, thereby increasing the number of former Rapid City Thrillers coaches in the NBA to 1. Bravo Sacramento, Bravo...

For those you who do not hail from the Great White North and are unwise to our ways, the Rapid City Thrillers were a moderately successful CBA team in the early and mid 90's. But, tragically, the glory that was the Thrillers would not even live to see the ruin of the once proud league by the human ebola virus that is Isaiah Thomas. After the '94-'95 season, they were moved to Florida (which, ironically, is where they were originally located) and were unceremoniously renamed the "Beach Dogs"...

All this involving a team that was originally named for a Michael Jackson song...

Update: In all my excitement, and blind hatred for the man, I forgot that Flip Saunders coached the Thrillers in the late '80's. Big thanks to Cary at Get Crunk with Jesus...

KAZAAM II: Return of The White Chocolate

2006-06-02T21:12:00.000-04:00

While we here at "Off The Baggie" can hardly be categorized as basketball fans, nothing causes us to jump on a bandwagon faster than a potential Flip Saunders playoff debacle. Lest we forget that in the Flipsters 10 seasons as the skipper of our somewhat beloved T-Wolves, he only made it out of the first round of the playoffs once. This while having Kevin Garnett, Latrell Spewell, and Sam Cassell on the floor. I could have coached that team to a playoff win, and I honestly have no idea what a zone defense is.

But we digress...

In turning on the TV here in Casa De Baggie, I was greeted by the curious sight of a small, tatooed white man in black leggings proceeding to cut apart the Pistons. Yes people, let the celebrations commence, White Chocolate has returned. And then, as though it were manna from the heavens, the always articulate one proceeded to give a halftime interview with a towel on his head. He has to know he's white, doesn't he? Honestly, could he be that dumb? Oh, he could... Our bad... Much props our honkey homie...

Matt LeCroy Makes Old Men Cry

2006-05-30T17:51:00.000-04:00

There have been some bad performances in the history of the catcher position.

Mackey Sasser rifling every other throw back to the pitcher into centerfield...

Anything by AJ Pierzynsky...

Mike Piazza trying to act straight...

Jake Gyllenhaal in "Brokeback Mountain"...

But, absolutely none of these can cause a near-octogenarian to cry (At least not on national TV... that Gyllenhaal performance is scary... or so we've heard).

Former Twins 1st Baseman/Catcher/How-The-Hell-Did-You-Make-The-Majors Matt LeCroy not only allowed seven (for those fo you who can't grasp that, here's the numerical value: 7) stolen bases against the Astro's, he managed to Make his manager cry while doing it. Once, in a little league game, I allowed 6. That got me traded for the kid that tried to catch fly balls with his hat. This performance got Matt yanked in the middle of an inning. Something that hasn't happened since Julio Franco was playing short for the Jerusalem Giants next to some guy they called Jesus.

At some point in time, if you're the Nats GM, don't you look at Matt and say to yourself "Self, this guy blows. Lets trade him to Steinbrenner for the ghost of Bernie Williams and Matsui's broken wrist bone"...

And thats not the end of it (Although I wish it were). After the game, in the press conference, Frank Robinson cried like a schoolgirl who just lost her virginity to the janitor for pulling LeCroy out. LeCroy responded with "Even my dad would have pulled me at that point". No Matt, at that point in time your dad would have donned a disguise and left out the back entrance...